Must See... Press Conference?

I've got a little tip for President Bush. If you really want to change the average American's mind about your stupid Social Security Privatization plan, don't get between them and their Must See Thursday. I missed Joey, Will & Grace, and The Apprentice because of you. Thanks a lot.

Whoever Wins... We Lose.

[Author's Note: The following is the kind of thing I think of when I've been studying Civil Procedure too long]

United States Court for the District of Minnesota

ALIEN
v.
PREDATOR

Opinion of Unreasonable, J.

Plaintiff Alien, a foreign citizen of Venus or some such place, sued Predator, a foreign citizen of Central America, for damages of $100,000 from an alleged battery in Antarctica resulting from an epic battle between Plaintiff and Defendant. Predator has made a Rule 12(b)(1) motion for lack of diversity jurisdiction between himself and Plaintiff Alien.¹ For the reasons stated below, Defendant's motion is GRANTED.

The only claim in this action is for the state law tort of battery. Thus, this action does not arise under the Constitution, laws, or treaties of the United States, and thus subject matter jurisdiction is not proper as a federal question under 28 U.S.C. 1331.

The general diversity jurisdiction statute, 28 U.S.C. 1332 does not provide diversity jurisdiction between two foreign citizens. Perhaps, if either Alien or Predator were resident aliens who had taken up permanent residence in the United States, diversity jurisdiction might be proper under 28 U.S.C. 1332(a)(2). Singh v. Daimler Benz, 9 F.3d 303 (3rd Cir. 1993). However, this is not the case.

Therefore, we hold that this court has no subject matter jurisdiction. We grant Defendant Predator's motion to dismiss.

Case DISMISSED.

---

¹This court has serious doubts as to whether we have proper jurisdiction over the person of Defendant Predator under the "minimum contacts" test of International Shoe v. Washington, 326 U.S. 310 (1945) and even graver doubts about whether Predator's activities within Minnesota are "continuous and systematic" so as to afford this court general personal jurisdiction over Predator. Helicopteros Nacionales de Colombia v. Hall, 466 U.S. 408 (1984). However, Defendant failed to make a motion under Rule 12(b)(2) for lack of personal jurisdiction, and therefore any objection has been waived. Rule 12(h)(1).

The End of the Beginning

I am currently sitting in my last class of my 1L year. I don't know what to think about that. Part of me is ecstatic because this very interesting, but very difficult life is almost at an end... but the other part of me (the unprepared part) is scared because finals are in less than a week, by which I mean LESS THAN A WEEK! Ahhh!

What a long strange ride it's been... and it's almost all over. *Tear* *Sniffle*

Good Stuff

I've been meaning to mention for awhile that Patently Obvious, a great blog about recent developments in patent law, have been posting an ongoing series about Congress's proposed changes to the patent laws. If you are considering patent law (or are a current practicioner that didn't already know about this blog), go check it out.

And to my "regular" readings... I'm sure I'll have something extra stupid about highlighters or 50 Cent to write about tomorrow to make up for this disgustingly real world post.

One Song Glory

Have you tried to explain law school exams to your non-law school friends and/or family? It's a pain in the ass isn't it?¹ How do you explain the emotions of the following scenario to someone who hasn't experienced it?
1) Gettin to your exam
2) Reading the problem.
3) Your Reaction: "Holy shit! I'm in the wrong exam!"
4) Looking up and seeing all your classmates, most of whom look like the deer in headlights you most assuredly resemble
5) Grasping through your outline, or worse, your head (*shudder*), to find a relevant morsel of law to put down on the page and analyze
6) Getting into a rhythm and writing for 4 hours on what, to you, is brilliant legal analysis
7) Getting to the bar after the exam and one of your classmate says "Hey, did you talk about [Obvious Issue You Missed] for question 4? Or what about [Even More Obvious Issue You Missed] in question 2? I didn't really have much to time to discuss it because I had spent the last hour talking about [Professors Interest That She Talked About Every Day, which you barely mentioned]. And that section on [Concept You Prayed Wouldn't Be on the Exam Because You Don't Get It, But Was... F&@*ing Professor!] was tough, I just hope I properly discussed the nuances of [Now this prick is just showing off]. So, how did you think you did?"
8) Your Response: "F*@k!"

Throw on top of that the fact that 1L exams can literally make or break your entire career. Two solid semesters of awesome grades, and you can comfortably coast through years 2 and 3 and still land an awesome job,² but if you screw up even one of your first semesters bad enough, you have to make a whole paragraph in your cover letter explaining why "I don't feel my grades adequately represent my potential with your firm." There's a lot of pressure.

Crap! What am I doing wasting time blogging about the importance of exams when I should be wasting "the best years of my life" furrowing my brow trying to remember what the heck subject matter jurisdiction is all about.

---

¹Of course, not nearly as big of a pain in the ass as... say, law school exams.
²Well, not that comfortably.

It's Just Fun To Say

If there is a case that is more fun to say than Helicopteros Nacionales de Colombia v. Hall, I haven't found it.

Especially if you roll the "r" in Helicopter-r-r-r-r-os (I know it shouldn't be rolled because it isn't an "rr", but that doesn't make it any less fun to r-r-r-r-roll... r-r-r-remember-r-r R-r-ruffls have R-r-r-idges?)

You Better Stop!... and Look Around... Here It Comes!

I am now firmly ensconced in outlining/studying mode¹. Now is the time of the semester were we must wrestle ourselves from the minutiae of each particular case² and focus on the "Big Picture." As all my law school brethren and sistren (?) know, this is fucking hard!

After reading anywhere from 300-500 pages per class (for a grand total of 1000-2000 pages for the semester), with each page dripping with minor, and in many cases insignificant, points of law, we must now distill all this... law... into a coherent 20-50 pages which not only help us understand the law of a particular subject, but will actually be useful during the final. Once again, this is fucking hard.

Right now, I feel I have successfully navigated the sea of Criminal Law (my first exam) to create an outline³. I am now working on the fascination that is Personal Jurisdiction, Subject Matter Jurisdiction, Venue, and other utterly wonderful topics of Civil Procedure, and if there is time I will tackle the lovely Property (Con Law will not get outlined, because it is too huge and it's a 2 day take home exam anyway, so if need be I can look stuff up).

The end is in sight, and it is frightening. To quote Haley Joel Osment "I see law, people."

---

¹Well, obviously not firmly, as I am taking off time to write this post... in fact, I have found that I have been posting more, instead of less, as finals approach. Will my lack of urgency come back to bite me in the ass come finals time? (Probably yes) Or, is it a sign that I have a healthy and well-adjusted attitude about school? (Probably Not)
²With our professors kicking and screaming the whole way.
³Which will still have to be reviewed and cut down, as it is an unwieldy and wordy 50 pages.

Blog Rolling

This blog is finally picking up a little steam and getting the attention the author it so richly deserves. The Unreasonable Man was "featured" in Blawg Review #3, which marks my second straight week on Blawg Review (here's last week's Blawg Review #2), and I recently evolved in the TTLB Ecosystem (I'm now a reptile!).

Yes sir, things are looking up. I expect offers for book deals (Why You Read My Blog by The Unreasonable Man), made for TV movies ("Seduced by the Blog: An Unreasonable Story" to be shown on Lifetime: Television for Women), and soap operas (I'll have to choose between "As the Blog Turns," "Blogs of our Lives," and "All My Blogs") to start rolling in.

Any day now...

Well, start rolling!

Bad Pick Up Line #5

(For all the hard-core procedure lovers out there)
"Mmm baby... that body makes me want to move for a Rule 35 examination of you!"^*

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^*OK, I'll admit this one is super-lame... but I did say they were bad pick up lines.

Another Minnesota Blawg

Well I'll be snookered¹, there's another U. of Minnesota Law Student Blog. It only took me literally all year to find one (and find is a generous term, since a friend told me about it). The "find" is even more tainted by the fact that I think we had Contracts together last semester.

Anyway, her blog seems delightfully bitter, yet unrefined²

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¹Don't ask, I don't know what it means either.
²I hope Hooters doesn't sue me for trademark dilution.

Law Student Statement Likely To Cause Confusion/Concern

"Well, I better get back to rape."
- Statement by a male law student, outlining for Criminal Law, to a female non-law student.

Got Chili?

So the lady who found a finger in her Wendy's Chili was a liar and there was no finger. Now the Wendy's franchise she pulled the stunt at (somewhere in San Jose, CA) is flailing. I feel bad for the owner. There's probably no way he is going to be able to recover much in damages from the lady (although I'm sure he'll try).

So I urge everyone in the San Fran Bay Area that can to pop over to this poor guys Wendy's and help pump his business back up so he can get back to his normal life of facilitating the obesity in our country. I reccomend a Frosty, a baked potato, and of course, the chili.

Update: Damnit! I missed the obvious pun that you Wendy's now specializes in finger sandwiches. The pun sector of my brain has failed me.

Lottery Results Are In... Did I Win?

We received word on what classes we "won" from the law lottery. I pretty much got what I wanted (except for the Patent Prosecution Seminar... but I didn't expect to get that, since there are 3L's who did get into that class). As of right now (and this will surely change before fall), here are my classes:

Patents, MTW 10:10 a.m. - 11 a.m.
Antitrust I, MTW 11:15 a.m. - 12:10 p.m.
International Intellectual Property, MT 1 p.m. - 2:20 p.m.
Copyrights, MTW 2:30 p.m. - 3:20 p.m.
Pretrial Skills Seminar, M 3:30 p.m. - 4:30 p.m., Th 3:30 p.m. - 5:30 p.m.

So Mondays and Tuesdays will completely suck (especially Mondays), but then it's smooth sailing the rest of the week. And if I get that job I'm interviewing for (which I will have to work during next year as well as this summer), I will have time to work on Thursday morning and Friday. Hooray! No more stupid regimented 1L "go to class every day" bulls%#@. Now I'm the one working myself too hard.

Running On Fumes

Tomorrow is my last set of Friday classes for my first year of law school (weird!). I still have Monday through Wednesday, but this is pretty much it. Then I just have to get a job¹, pass my finals², a brief long beer break, write my petition for journals³, and then a beer, and perhaps gambling, binge. Mix and serve.

Anyway, so after tomorrow I only have three days of classes, but I have a dilemma brewing. I have a few highlighters (again with the highlighters?!) that are about to run out, but I absolutely refuse to buy replacements during the last week of classes, if for no other reason but general principal. But, how am I supposed to dramatically over highlight my book so that who ever buys my used books next year can say "What the f*%@ is up with this guy? There is no way he needed to highlight every line, and why the f*%@ did he have to do it in multiple colors?!" It's all part of my fiendish plan to confuse the next generation of law students, just as the previous generation did to me. Screw being nice! I'm gonna mess with their heads! Bwa Ha Ha!⁴

---

¹I actually have an interview sometime next week, but the recruiter is kind of flaky, so I don't know exactly when yet... so maybe I don't really have an interview.
²Why do finals have to be here so soon?!
³Give me Law Review or give me... um... something less prestigious, like a job at Arby's (The pay sucks, but the fringe benefits are awesome... All the slightly used roast beef you can eat. Mmmm... Roast Beef)
⁴Long story short, buy your books new... you never know what kind of schmuck had them last year.

Bad Pick-Up Line #4

"I consent to your personal jurisdiction over my heart."

Bad Pick Up Line #3

My Property based pick up line seem to be better received, so here's another one:

"Hey baby, you want an easement into my pants?"

Ode To Slacking

Oh slacking, where have you gone?
Only 9 months ago I was complaining because I was bored waiting for law school to start.
I want to grab the 9-month ago me and yell "Stupid pre-1L! Enjoy your slacking! Go outside, lay on the lawn and enjoy the sun!"
I used to be able to sleep until Noon, then sit on the couch for a couple more hours playing Halo before actually getting up to do anything and not feel guilty about it. Was I ever so naive?
Now, because finals are looming (How can my first final be in less than 2 weeks?! Where the hell did the time go?!) even when I have "free" time (meaning I'm done reading for class), I have to be outlining. In fact, I shouldn't even be wasting time blogging to you, my loyal readers.
To slack, perchance to nap!
Slacking, I will avenge you!

Back to outlining. :(

Classless Action

In my never ending obsession with highlighters and law students, I recently came upon the following news article:

UPI (that's Unreasonable Post International)

April 18, 2005
Cambridge, MA

In a stunning development in the legal world, almost 2 million current and former law students have joined in a class action lawsuit against Bic, Avery, Sanford, and every other major manufacturer of highlighters in a mass tort action which could make the tobacco lawsuits look like a slip-and-fall action brought by Lionel Hutz.

Richard ("Super Rich") Worthington III, a student at Harvard Law School, was recently diagnosed with cancer of the hand. "My doctors at Mayo Clinic couldn't figure it out. I was a healthy 23 year old student just doing my thing and then *BAM* the big 'C'!"

After extensive testing, it was discovered that Worthington, son of Urinal Cake magnate Richard ("Mega-Uber Rich") Worthington II, had a high concentration of toxins in the space between his left index finger and left thumb. Worthington and his doctors realized this was the exact spot where Worthington held the cap of his highlighters while reading assignments for law school. Every day for almost a year, Worthington would occasionally miss the cap and get highlighter all over his hand. A spectral analysis of the highlighters confirmed that they were full of carcinogenic substances, including toluene and rat poison.

Worthington asked around and discovered that several other students had pain in their non-writing hand. "I even talked with friends at the 'lesser' law schools... you know, Yale, Chicago, Stanford... and they had the same problem." Worthington hired the law firm of Huckster, Huckster & Sham to handle the suit. Plaintiffs soon swelled into the millions, to which a partner at Huckster responded "SWEET! I'm getting a new plane!"

This new scandal for the highlighter industry comes after allegations that highlighter executives have secretly conspired with law school deans to get students hooked on their highlighters for years. That story was first broken on the wildly popular weblog (or "blog") Unreasonable Man.

Dirk Brightly, spokesman for the industry, said "These allegations are preposterous. This is just another example of why tort reform is crucial in this day and age. The highlighter industry has been the bedrock on which the foundation of American jurisprudence has been built for the last 50 years! This is just a handful of students trying to make a quick buck off a deep-pocketed industry."

When questioned about how he could classify 1.8 million plaintiffs and growing as a "handful," Mr. Brightly responded "Well... obviously 'Handful' is a relative term of art." Mr. Brightly was also pressed on just how "deep" the industry's pockets were, to which he responded "Oh MAN... you wouldn't beli... NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!"

Bad Pick-Up Line #2

"Honey, without you I will have a depraved and malignant heart."

Bad Law School Pick-Up Line

"Hey baby... I want to put us in horizontal privity of estate."

Playing The Numbers

This weekend we got to participate in the "Law Lottery," which isn't nearly as cool as it sounds. The lottery is where us soon to be 2L's (or at least hopefully we are soon to be 2L's... we have to get through finals first) get to "pick" our classes for next fall. By "pick," I mean we get to list what we hope we can get into, and then in a week or two we get to find out that we only got into the classes that the new-3L's don't want anyway (like Corporations at 8 in the morning or Antitrust ever). Jumpin Jack Flash, it's a gas Gas GAAAAASSSS!

Also coming down the pipe this week is our Con Law discussions regarding Roe v. Wade and abortion. This should be "fun," especially considered I feel fairly strongly about this issue (I'm a self-proclaimed raging liberal), and our Con Law professor is vehemently anti-Roe and anti-abortion, as are a couple outspoken members of the class (all three of whom, my professor and both students, are really nice guys... yes, they're all guys... and whom I respect immensely outside of this issue). Hopefully I can keep my mouth clamped shut and can dodge the Socratic bullet for a couple days... else there may be an Unreasonable screaming match reverberating through the sub-plaza at good ol' Mondale Hall.

I'll leave this post with a completely inappropriate, but still funny (to me, at least) quote from David Cross's most recent comedy album (where David is responding to an "ooooooo" after an abortion-related joke)

"Oh, was anybody here aborted? I don't want to offend anyone."

Hail To The "Chief"

As I mentioned waaaaaayyyy back in September, I am a member of Minnesota's Intellectual Property student's group, and throughout this year I was a 1L "Office-at-Large"¹. Well, anyway, today the group had it's elections for the "real" officers, and I decided to run for President. Well, guess what, I actually won.² So now I really have a line on my resume. Resume padding is awesome!

Just kidding³, I really am looking forward to trying to help expand the influence of this group. So if you are a current Minnesota 1L, 2L, or 0L and are interested in IP law at all, next year we're going to be working hard to get you a great student association to provide education and (more importantly) networking opportunities.

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¹You might think the "quotes" are just for effect to show how little responsibilities this "office" had... but in actuality, the actual "title" has "quotes" around it. The 2L officers even made us do the "finger quotes" thing whenever we said our title, and if they caught us not using finger quotes, they would call us "Insolent," place us in a burlap bag and beat us with reeds. Pretty standard really.
²I realize by specifically listing the group and what office I got, I pretty much remove any possibility of saving my anonymity... but since I have now found out that a few people in my classes have read this "blog" (stupid quotes... go "away!") and know who I am, so there really was no hope of anonymity anyway. Cheers!
³Sort of... *ahem*

Movie Time

This weekend I finally got to go to the the-a-ter and see some movies... two in fact, Fever Pitch and Sin City. Here are my encapsulated reviews.

Fever Pitch - Who had the audacity to say this was a Farrelly Brothers movie? Where was the gross out humor (hair gel and mutilated body parts)? Where was the jokes about people with a personality disorders and fat chicks? Where is the complete absurdity of Siamese twins (excuse me, conjoined)?

This movie didn't have any gross out stuff! Just a great story with just enough baseball to keep baseball fans happy, but not so much to turn off non-sports fans (a.k.a. chicks)... and just enough sappiness to keep the ladies happy, but not so much to make the non-sappy folks (a.k.a. dudes) puke. How dare they balance humor, fun, and romance so effectively. I want completely inappropriate humor! Other than a baseball to the face and a few very subtle references to sex... it just wasn't there. It forced me to realize that the Farrelly brothers have another level. Yuck! You aren't supposed to enjoy the Farrelly Brothers on another level, there is no other level.

You call this a Farrelly Brothers joint... I call it a mockery of the cinematic traditions which I hold dear!

OK, in all seriousness... this movie is really good. It's funny, cute, whatever, and if you are a sports fan who have found yourself acting crazy over a team (oh 2003 Cubs, why did you toy with my emotions so!), you will love this movie too.

Sin City - Very cool, very dark, and very weird. It's the Pulp Fiction of the new millennium. I don't really know how to describe it because it would take too long, but visually this is the coolest movie I've seen in a long time, and the story is interesting. The action is so over-the-top that you know the film-makers didn't take it too seriously, yet it is delivered sincerely by all the actors. Very, very cool.

P.S. I also saw I (Heart) Huckabees on video last weekend. I really liked it. I never thought I'd see a movie weirder than Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind that I would actually like, but this one qualifies. My favorite line? "You rock, rock!" I don't know why.

Enjoy!

Rank Amateurs

Last week we got an e-mail from the administration which read (in part) "I am pleased to report that the University of Minnesota has
retained its rank at number 19 [in the U.S. News & World Report Law School Rankings]." While I think it's great the Law School has a drive to be a top notch institution of legal education, I don't think that's what is really going on here.

First, if the Law School really is concerned with quality of legal education, I don't think we should be satisfied with our current ranking¹... I think we should strive for more, even if most schools don't really change much in their rankings². Second, I fear that this Law School, like so many other schools, want their U.S News ranking to be high solely to make recruiting easier (both of students and faculty), which eventually means more money for the University. If the law school was really solely interested in the quality of its education, it would use a more reliable benchmark to measure its success³.

P.S. In no way no I mean to imply that this, or any law school, is not concerned with providing a quality education (except maybe Iowa... just kidding), but this fetish with the U.S. News Rankings shows that there must be something else going on in their minds.

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¹Even #2 Harvard probably wants to do better just to unseat top-seeded Yale.
²Except for Minnesota, which has been entrenched at # 19 for roughly four thousand and twenty years.
³ As I am sure you are aware, the reliability of the U.S. News Rankings are dubious at best... at least that's the story of us schools who aren't in the top 10, and we're sticking to it.

Soy Un Ganador Fantastico!

Yesterday's Opening Day Festivities in our law library (Mmm... free hot dogs and free beer in the middle of a school day) included a raffle for T-shirts and Twins tickets. After my lucky Saturday, I figured I might as well keep trying, so I entered the baseball raffle too.

Well today, I found out that I won again! Holy crap! I've now become some kind of super raffle-winner. If only I could use my newly acquired Super Power to win the 1L summer-employment lottery^{1, 2}, then I'd be all set... and super happy.

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¹Odds of winning: 1 in 10^2,678,259, or slightly worse than being picked up by an alien pimp and sold into the intergalactic Ho trade.
²By the way, congratulations to M&M mini (name changed to protect the more employable than me... but you know who you are!), who just yesterday cashed in her winning ticket for said lottery. Way to go! With all the money you will be making, I expect some generous lunch-buying for us poor, un-employed slobs.

Happy Opening Day!

Yes, *technically* the Yankees and Red Sox played last night... but that's only for ESPN, and the Yankees and Red Sox aren't part of the Major League Baseball that I know... rather they form the only two members of ULB, Uber-Legue Baseball.

I know Jeremy (who finally got to experience the joy that is Giordano's Pizza), Matt, and the guy in my section who has been watching Spring Training games on his computer rather than pay attention in Crim Law for the past month, will share my enthusiasm.

For those who don't know... I am a Twins fan, and my new best friend, Jayson Stark from ESPN.com, has picked the plucky Minnesota Twins to win the World Series this year (emphasis by Mr. Stark). In other good baseball news, Sports Illustrated has picked the Yankees to win it all, which means the Bronx Bombers will not win the World Series again this year (thank you SI Jinx!).

If you're at the Minnesota Law School Library for it's Opening Day popcorn-fest during lunch today... I'll be the dope in the Twins jersey. Say Hi. Enjoy! Baseball is here!

No Soy Un Perdedor

Yesterday, a law firm in Minneapolis had a program for 1L's to give us some information which it felt would be helpful for us. The program was supposed to take up pretty much the entire morning and part of the afternoon, and I was not sure whether I should go or not for a couple reasons:

1. I am always a little skeptical of anything that seems to be purely a recruiting tool UNLESS it isn't going to take up a lot of my time (as this program was going to do) and/or they were going to have awesome, and more importantly, free food/drink (no idea if that was the case here); and
2. I think it's a bad sign when, before you have even interviewed to work for them, a law firm wants you to come in on a Saturday morning.

But I decided to go see what it was all about, and I'm glad I went. The program was kind of cool. They had some information on client communications, and some differences between litigation and transactional legal practice. But, the best part about the event was during lunch they had a raffle.

The table I was sitting at was filled with only Minnesota students¹, and our table was winning more prizes, by far, than any other table (so it was already looking like the raffle was rigged). And then, they got to the Grand Prize, a $500 gift card to Marshall Fields to use for business clothes plus a free meeting with one of Field's personal shoppers to help you pick out said new clothes, and who should win... but MEEEEE! It was awesome. I've pretty much never won anything so big, and now I am going to have at least one new suit and probably a few new shirts or ties to go with it.

Yeah, so I pretty much had a good weekend... except for the mountain of Con Law (including one makeup class), Property (everything you ever wanted to know about leases but were afraid to ask), and Civ Pro (our teacher is starting to realize "oh crap, I'm falling behind and may not have time to catch up... better pour it on.") that I have to do this week. But screw that... I'm a winner! Things are gonna change I can feel it!²

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¹There were also students at this event from William Mitchell, Hamline, and St. Thomas law schools, and we had already been joking a little bit about how we were perpetuating the stereotype that Minnesota law students act superior to students from the other law schools.
²Mr. Beck, please don't sue me.

I Wanna Tell Her That I Love Her But The Court Is Probably Moot

Yesterday was my preliminary round of oral arguments for legal writing. It was fun and not fun. I swear at one point I completely froze like a deer in headlights and could actually feel my heart stop. And my mouth was so dry I could hear it clicking. Apparently the only good things about my presentation are I was "very polite" to the judges (I don't know if that's good or bad), I was very thorough (again, not sure if that is good, since oral arguments are supposed to be more about the big picture), and apparently I made an excellent point during my rebuttal (which I wish I would have held back until the final round).

About the only thing I can say about oral arguments is when you are watching someone else do it, and they get a little tripped up by a question, you know exactly what you would have said and how great your point would have been... BUT, when it's your turn, you go blank, and it sucks. It sucks hard.