Whoever Wins... We Lose.

[Author's Note: The following is the kind of thing I think of when I've been studying Civil Procedure too long]

United States Court for the District of Minnesota

ALIEN
v.
PREDATOR

Opinion of Unreasonable, J.

Plaintiff Alien, a foreign citizen of Venus or some such place, sued Predator, a foreign citizen of Central America, for damages of $100,000 from an alleged battery in Antarctica resulting from an epic battle between Plaintiff and Defendant. Predator has made a Rule 12(b)(1) motion for lack of diversity jurisdiction between himself and Plaintiff Alien.¹ For the reasons stated below, Defendant's motion is GRANTED.

The only claim in this action is for the state law tort of battery. Thus, this action does not arise under the Constitution, laws, or treaties of the United States, and thus subject matter jurisdiction is not proper as a federal question under 28 U.S.C. 1331.

The general diversity jurisdiction statute, 28 U.S.C. 1332 does not provide diversity jurisdiction between two foreign citizens. Perhaps, if either Alien or Predator were resident aliens who had taken up permanent residence in the United States, diversity jurisdiction might be proper under 28 U.S.C. 1332(a)(2). Singh v. Daimler Benz, 9 F.3d 303 (3rd Cir. 1993). However, this is not the case.

Therefore, we hold that this court has no subject matter jurisdiction. We grant Defendant Predator's motion to dismiss.

Case DISMISSED.

---

¹This court has serious doubts as to whether we have proper jurisdiction over the person of Defendant Predator under the "minimum contacts" test of International Shoe v. Washington, 326 U.S. 310 (1945) and even graver doubts about whether Predator's activities within Minnesota are "continuous and systematic" so as to afford this court general personal jurisdiction over Predator. Helicopteros Nacionales de Colombia v. Hall, 466 U.S. 408 (1984). However, Defendant failed to make a motion under Rule 12(b)(2) for lack of personal jurisdiction, and therefore any objection has been waived. Rule 12(h)(1).