Martha Stewart Tip O' the Day

In case you didn't know ('cause I didn't), if you get a greasy stain on your brand-new work shirt which you just bought the day before from picking up your sunglasses after you dropped them under your car, but which you don't notice until someone points it out to you at work, apparently Handi Wipes work to remove most of the stain so that it isn't so freakin' noticable to the people you are trying to get an offer for employment from. Nice little tip for you there.

Oh, and what is the deal with only ONE of my grades being in. Come on! At least one other class (the one with only 18-20 students where the exam was almost four weeks ago!) should be in by now! This is unacceptable!

Memories of Pain Gone Past

I'm sitting in the Law Review office waiting for people to turn in their petitions and have full-blown post-traumatic-stress-disorder-type flashbacks of my own wonderful experience of the two-week hell that is writing onto journals.

Two weeks ago I was in the very same chair waiting for students to pick up their petitions. That was somewhat comical because they had no idea what they were in for. Now, as students drop them off, it is also somewhat comical to see the bleary-eyed exhaustion mixed with relief that their first year is finally over.

To all who have finished, or are finishing their petitions. Congratulations, it's a bitch, but once you're done, at least you never have to be a 1L again.

I Never Been Out To Lunch So Many Times

Two weeks are down at Eel & Poorman, and things are going fairly well. I've had several very interesting projects, including some stuff for a big litigation case Eel is working on. For the two projects where I've had to write a Open Memo¹ I have gotten very good feedback. Yay! I don't totally suck... at least on the busy-work they give to summer associates.

On the culinary side of things, I feel like I am stuffed from all the free food that has been provided by the firm. Free lunches, free bagels for breakfast (not every day, but close); free coffee and soda whenever you want; afternoon trips to the Jamba Juice for a free smoothie,² it's enough to turn a guy fat.³ Between getting paid really well and never having to pay for lunch or daytime beverages, I'm going to be clearing a tidy sum this summer. Too bad I'll have to use it for the triple bypass surgery I'll have to get to clear out my arteries from all the food the firm has us eat.

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¹Remember these things from First Year Legal Writing? Well, it turns out you need to keep doing them after your first semester of law school. I guess I should apologize to my legal writing instructor for saying "This s$#t is a waste of time!"
²What kind of free boost would you like with that? You gotta have a boost! I've had 8 energy boosts already today!
³Well... fatter.

Still Exist

I swear I still exist, I've just been busy at Eel & Poorson (my highly original fake name for my Summer Firm). Last week was my first week filled with yummy free lunches, ice cream and champagne socials (well, just one, but I swear we had an ice cream and champagne social) and even more training on Lexis and Westlaw (I figured two years of using it in law school was enough, but I guess I was wrong... oh well, as long as they make with the points, I'm happy).

More updates later.

Final Pick-Ups: Statistically Speaking, My Worst Ever

I had my last final today in my "Statistics for Lawyers" class... and it was brutal. I think it's because I didn't do any pick-up lines for it, so to appease the corny-joke gods, I will post them retroactively... and hope that will be enough to make the deity of grading happy.

"I've got a hypothesis to test." [Look closer at her] "Yep, you are definitely hot."

"I can say with a 99.9% confidence level that I will please you tonight."

"There may a negative correlation between the number of Apple-tinis I have and my elloquence, but you look good."

That's it for pick-ups until December. Enjoy the end of your school years! 3Ls, Congratulations on graduating! 1Ls, congratulations on getting through your first year! 2Ls, congratulations on... well, becoming 3Ls I guess.

Administrative Pick-Up Lines: Chevron Goodness with a Thin Skidmore Shell

Here's another set of my wonderful Pick-Up Lines, this time courtesy of Professor Hickman's Administrative Law Course.

Guy looks girl up and down: "A factual finding that 'You're Hot' is obviously 'supported by substantial evidence.'"

"I'm giving you notice that I find you very sexy. Care to comment?"

"Don't deprive me of holding you without due process of law!"

"You can give me your phone number without going through Section 553 procedures, because it would be 'contrary to the public interest' if people as attractive as you and I didn't get together."

"I've been authorized to use formal adjudication to determine how good you are in bed. Fortunately, this decision can only be made 'on a closed record,' so I'm going to have to sleep with you to make my determination."

"I've got a 'hard look doctrine' for you. See, it's hard... look!"

"I won't be precluded from dreaming about you tonight."

"Have you heard? There is a definite 'zone of interest' amongst the ladies around my bedroom."

"You will experience some well-earned 'exhaustion' if you come home with me tonight."

"I don't think I'll need any post hoc rationale to determine that you've got the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen."

Good luck tomorrow everybody!

Corporations: Lame Pick-Up Lines for the Lamest of Subjects

These suck even worse than my IP-related lines... mostly because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing when it comes to BA Corps. But here's what I could scrape together. Please provide your own as well.

"I have a duty of loyalty to my heart, and my heart wants you."

Speaking of duties: "Baby, don't go home with him. He put the 'Douche' in 'Fiduciary Duties'?" (This is courtesy of Nate, who effectively called dibs, and dibs is legally binding in the blogosphere)

"Darling, I would love to pierce your corporate veil."

"Can I acquire your phone number, because I'm pretty sure I can get authorization from my shareholders for a merger with you... particularly if it is a Triangle Merger with that girl."¹

"I give you express authority to do what you will with my body. At the very least, you have the implied authority to take off your dress."

"I'll give you $1,000,000 dollars if you'll take my BA Corps Exam for me."²

"Business Judgment Rule? I've got my own BJ rule for you."

OK, that's about all I can stand. How about you.

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¹ Woo-Hoo... two menage references in two posts!
²This one isn't so much a proposition as a desperate plea for help.

Patented Pick-Ups: This Time They're Advanced

OK, these are really stretching it because there wasn't that much material to work with... but I couldn't go into my Advanced Patents exam without giving you something.

"You're beautiful. I'd say 'you're hot' as well, but that would be obvious-type double patenting."

"Baby, lets go back to my place and use a known process *wink* to make a new compound, You + Me"¹

Guy #1: "I would love to do an ex parte reexamination of you."
Guy #2: (hitting on the same girl) "I've got a better idea, lets do an inter partes reexamination."

"I have to tell you that you're the sexiest woman I've ever seen so that I am not charged with inequitable conduct (of the heart?) for not disclosing material information."²

"I'd like to be a coinventor with you on a method of taking off your bra."

Phew. I might have failed my exam without these.

Probably not much posting until Sunday or Monday when my B.A. Corps. Pick-up lines come out.

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¹Weak, I know... but you try to make Chemical Obviousness sound hot.
² This one kills at the annual Patent Examiner Christmas party.

I Want You To Hit Me As Hard As You Can

Student #1: Wow, that hurt.
Student #2: What happened?
S#1: I've never been in so much pain.
S#2: Did you just get hit in the nuts? 'Cause that happened to me at Spring Training a couple years ago when Barry Bonds hit that liner into my junk.
S#1: Nope. Worse
Student #3: Well, did your girlfriend make you get your eyebrows waxed? Damn that can sting!
S#1: Nope. Worse.
Student #4: Did you get bitten by a Brown Recluse Spider? 'Cause those fuckers will mess you up!
S#1: Nope. Worse.
Student #5: If it's so much 'worse,' what happened?!
S#1: I just finished my second Okediji exam ever. Only this one was an eight-hour take home. It BURNS!
Ss #2, 3, 4, and 5: OH SNAP! How are you even walking?!

Into the Belly of the Beast

I'm going to pick up an all-day take home exam, so any trollish and cowardly comments will have to wait to be answered until this evening.

To everyone else, good luck on your finals. Excelsior!