Friday, July 09, 2004

Vote For Ditka?

Is the whole world becoming a bad Saturday Night Live sketch? It seems that way when there is talk from some Illinois Republicans talking about having Mike Ditka1 replace disgraced Jack Ryan as the GOP candidate for Illinois' Senator, the U.S. Senator. Seriously. I'm not joking about this. I can just hear Bob Schwarsky (George Wendt) and the rest of SNL's "Superfans" at the first rally:

Bob: Come November, there is a certain man, from a certain Midwestern city that starts with a C ends with an O and has a HICAG in the middle, who will be the next Senator from the great state of Illinois. I, of course, refer to the former coach of a glorious football team known as... Da Bears
Rest of Superfans: [holding up their beers] DA BEARS
Bob: And we all know him as... Ditka
Superfans: [beers raised] DITKA
Todd (Chris Farley, may he rest in peace): GARSH! [pounding his chest with a polish sausage hanging out of his mouth, having a heart attack]
Bob: OK, now is the time of the show where we predict how monumental Ditka's victory over Barrack Obama will be. Todd?
Todd: Ditka 8 million votes, Obama 3 votes
Superfan #2: Why so close? Ditka 100%, Obama -4%, with a margin of error of 4%
Superfan #3: I think it will be tighter than that. Ditka 94%, Obama 3%, and 3% write in for Michael Jordan
Bob: Well gentlemen, your picks are interesting. As for my prediction, although Illinois has a population of only 12 million, I predict that Bears fans from around the globe will flock to the Land of Lincoln, register to vote, and the total will be 25 million for Ditka, and Obama will pick up the bleeding heart vote for 1 million. That reminds me, I got a cow heart at the butcher today, who wants some.
Superfans #2 and #3: ME!
Todd: GOOSH! [pounding chest while reaching for cow heart].

1Yes, that Mike Ditka. The former Chicago Bears coach.

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