My Nuts Roasting On An Open Cell Line

According to some Hungarian science type guys, carrying your cell phone in your front pocket kills off a dude's little swimmers. Although the response seems to say that these results are inconclusive, it's still a little frightening that your little cell phone can take away your future family¹. They say that "in hip pockets or a holster on the waist could cut sperm count by nearly 30 percent." My first reaction to this was:

"You mean it kills all my Unreasonable Man Jrs. if I keep it in my pocket, and I put it up to my HEAD!?"

Thankfully there is hope. Scientists (not the same ones) have found a plant that increases fertility in men. The khat, or qat, plant of East Africa and the Middle East promotes maturation of sperm. So all you high-powered-attorneys-to-be can use your cell phones freely and carry them in your pocket or on those dorky belt clips that y'all seem to love and kill your sperm away, and them bring 'em back by chewing on some good ol' khat.

---

¹ Much like 50% of these guys' future wives will, along with their new Benz, the house, and Pablo, the pool boy.