Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Our National Passtime Ladies and Gentlemen

2 innings of an upcoming minor league baseball game will be played on XBox, with a couple gamers sitting at home plate and playing on the Jumbotron. This made me cry.

Why stop at two innings? Let's just kick out the entire league and let fat-ass little kids play the entire season. As I see it, there are several advantages to my proposal:
1) Cheaper Tickets - "Team" owners will be able to get video gamers to play for free, and they can pass that savings on to us... the consumers.
2) Shorter seasons - I love baseball... but it takes forever to get through the whole season.1 With the XBox season, we can knock out the entire season over one long, Dorito and Coca-Cola fueled marathon gaming session.
3) Shorter Games - Video game baseball goes much faster than the real thing. No longer will you have to sit around watching the pitcher scratching himself and shaking off signs and doing anything else to avoid THROWING THE DAMN BALL!
4) Better Graphics - With the advance of technology, eventually video game baseball will be more realistic than the real thing.
5) More Home Runs! - Everybody knows that baseball is more exciting with more home runs... that's why the league has allowed juiced baseballs and juiced-up baseballers to remain in the league (up until this year, when they got caught by Congress). Even with all the league's help, there still aren't usually more than 1-3 home runs a game... but it is not unusual to have 10 home runs a game in video game baseball.
5) Oh So Sweet Justice - It will knock overpaid jagoffs like Jason Giambi down a few pegs to realize they can be replaced by two 3rd graders who can't even spell G-I-A-M-B-Y. Then they'll have to get real jobs instead of getting paid obscene amounts of money to play a game for the summer.

God Bless America.

1Although sometimes it has its advantages, like when your local team blows right now, but there is hopefully enough time in the season to catch the first place team when the first place team chokes later in the season.


At 2:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, I can't decide if that's just really clever marketing or a sad indicator of how lazy and uninvolved in athletics we've become


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