Monday, March 21, 2005

Law School Traffic Court

I have a humble proposal. Law School Traffic Court, which might go something like this:

[Fade into law school courtroom - The "honorable" Dirk Shirkly, law school traffic court judge is entering the court to thunderous applause. A sad looking women is brought into the room in shackles and leg irons. She is pelted with left over pizza from a Federalist Society meeting that nobody attended.]
Bailiff: The first case is case number 665, The Student Body v. Ms. Eugenia Line
Prosecutor: Your honor, Ms. Line is charged with butting in line at a recent meeting held by the local firm of Big, Huge & Bloated, in blatant disregard of Common Decency Code 02-472.
Defendant: Excuse me your honor, I was recently married to Mr. Bradley Cutter and have added his name to my own.
Judge Shirkly: Alright, Ms. Line-Cutter, it is noted.
Line-Cutter: In response to this charge your honor, I had no idea I was butting... [Boos from the crowd... more pizza]
Judge (interrupting): I will not tolerate such behavior, and ignorance of your fucking rudeness is no excuse. Guilty.
[Crowd cheers... bailiff forces Ms. Line-Cutter to wear a sweater with a large red "LC" on it]

[Next a man with a very bad haircut enters wearing an argyle sweater vest and huge glasses. He is kicked in the ass by the spectators as he drags a humongous suitcase behind him.]
Bailiff: The next case is case number 666, Student Body v. Mr. Hugh G. Tool
Prosecutor: Mr. Tool is charged with pulling a rolling bag behind him in a crowded hallway in between classes without paying any attention to the people he is slamming his bag into, a clear violation of Common Sense Code 06-937.
Tool: Your honor, surely I don't have to worry about people walking into my bag.
Judge: Mr. Tool, if you insist on being a raging tool and taking up the space of three people in the hallway, then Yes you must keep track of you bag. Or better yet, grow a pair and carry a backpack, you big wuss. Guilty.
[Crowd cheeers... bailiff uses a cattle brand to mark "WEAK" on Tool's forehead]
[Fade Out. End of scene.]

I'll volunteer to be the bailiff. Any takers?

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