The Unreasonable Man

Less Embarrassing, But Humbling

2007-04-19T15:35:00.000-05:00

After last year's incredible display of physical prowess on my part (what with walking for 1/3 of the race and getting passed by people in strolles in the first mile), I did my best to "train" and make a better showing at this year's Race for Justice.

I definitely did better. My time was about 3 1/2 minutes faster, and therefore my pace was more than a minute per mile faster. More importantly, I ran the entire way instead of walking three times (like last year).

However, it was still a humbling experience. People pushing strollers still passed me (but not until mile 3 instead of within the first mile). Ivan Strike-Weaseled his way past me right at the finish line (he has a deceptively good kick). The most humbling fact, a 60 year old woman beat me... but almost a minute (the "Results by Class" is available on the Race for Justice home page). Now, I'm sure this women is in excellent shape, but it still sucks a little.

Oh well, I guess I just need to keep running and come back and beat that woman... then I can totally rub it in her face "Check the race bib. You're in my world now, grandma"

Where the F@&$ Have You Been!

2007-04-19T08:49:00.000-05:00

As you have clearly figured out, blogging has been a low priority for me this semester. So, if anyone is still checking back with me I apologize. I hope to post at least a little bit more before graduation... at the very least I have to do my final set of finals pick-up lines, plus the obligatory "what I got out of law school" post.

Last Spring Break Ever

2007-03-19T15:02:00.000-05:00

Back at school after my last Spring Break ever. What did I do with this glorious week off from school. Nothing, pretty much. Here were my limited accomplishments.
- Finished and turned in my Minnesota State Bar Application - this was the only thing of any real substance which I did. Huge task. Huge pain in the ass. Huge dent in my wallet (how they charge $100 on top of the $400 bar application "fee" just to let me use my computer to type up the essay portion... that's redonkulous)
- Played poker in Shakopee - Another law student sat at the same table I was at while I was playing. He was reading from a Westlaw printout while playing poker. He goes to Hamline. I tried not to laugh... but it was hard.
- Saw Pan's Labyrinth - it was weird. I spent the whole movie trying to find David Bowie ... and Jennifer Connelly, but neither one was in it. What's up with that?

That's pretty much it. Unless you consider "sleeping in until noon" doing something.

No More TORT... Sigh

2007-03-05T15:54:00.000-06:00

My second, and last, year of T.O.R.T. ended Saturday after our command performance at the Pantages. As predicted, it was funny, transcendant, and utterly awesome-gasmic. Here is a summary of my favorite moments:

- Anna Pia saying "Frankenlaw, I hear you've got a huuuuuge" [cut off]
- That Mummy, damn he was mesmerizing
- Walter Mondale going off script and getting as big of a laugh as anyone in the show
- The opening medly, which included (among many other great lyrics) "I wish I'd gone to Business School... Then I could be a C.E.O." (to the tune of Jesse's Girl)
- The "Mondale Bash" song... mostly because of the Mummy, did you see his sweet moves?
- "Maybe if he got some he wouldn't be so cranky!"
- Three words: Judith T. Younger
- The Mondale Bash scene, i.e. the one with "Law Students Cannot Dance" (to Time Warp) - that Mummy can sure do a pelvic thrust
- "You can be my Co-Dean anytime." "Bullshit! You can be mine."
- Nate's (i.e. Dr. Frankenlaw's) hair getting progessively crazier
- Seeing someone sing "Sympathy For the Devil" in vampire make-up at a dive karaoke bar in Nordeast
- A mob scene with plastic pitchforks
- The fog machine, and the "Ooooooo... fog machine" reaction it got from T.O.R.T. alumni
- Carmen (Igor) singing "My hump, my hump, my hump... my freakish... ugly... hu-u-u-ump"
- Performing in a theater with actual dressing rooms, instead of the cubby holes at the St. Paul Student Center
- That sexy Mummy, who got more laughs per line than any other character (granted The Mummy had exactly Zero lines, and got one laugh for waving, so the laughs per line = infinity)
- The thrill/panic of coming out on stage, seeing 700+ pairs of eyes watching you (and over 1000 pairs of eyes on Saturday), and thinking "Holy shit... that's a lot of people! It would be really embarrassing to trip right now."
- The foreign exchange students, which include the Wolfperson, Dr. Nikolai Akula, the Hot Swede, and the Hot Mummy
- All the dancing... even the stuff that was kind of gay
- The 1L who nailed his "Laaaaaw Review" character - damn those guys are pompous (ahem)
- Two-joke shows for both Professor's Paulsen and Chen - you'd think I'd feel guilty for writing one of them... but I don't
- "Don't forget about St. Thomas. We had 3 of the top oralists at last year's regional moot court competition, in Vermillion... South Dakota"
- Mob Song - did you see how well the Mummy fit into that menacing crowd... it gives me the jibblies just thinking about it
- Going to Applebee's two nights in a row (one of which was during a honest to gosh bilzzard) - they're nothing like Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood

There were many other moments, but overall it was awesome. I had a blast in T.O.R.T. these past two years... thank you to everyone that helped make that happen.

Come to Frankenlaw!

2007-02-26T11:45:00.000-06:00

Hell week has started, which means I will not be reading for class this week wheil we are getting ready for our debut at the Pantages.

More importantly it means: Come see the T.O.R.T. show this weekend! It's awesomely funny... or funnily awesome.

I will be embarrasing myself on both Friday & Saturday. Go here for info on tickets

Whack-a-Doos On the Bus

2007-02-23T16:18:00.001-06:00

I had an interesting experience yesterday on the bus. I was just riding along minding my own business, reading my Tax assignment and having as much fun as you can expect to have reading about business deductions,¹ when this guy interrupts me:

Guy On Bus "Excuse me, do you go to The U"²
Me [rolling my eyes, hopefully so Guy On Bus doesn't see] "Um... yeah"
G.O.B. "That's a very intersting subject... Taxation of Individual Income"
Me [Thinking "Tax is certainly *not* a 'very interesting subject'"] "Um... Yeah... It's the best."
G.O.B. "You know there's a very interesting movie that proves that there is no legal basis for the government collecting personal income tax... it's just for corporations."
Me [WTF!] "Really? That's very interesting." [Please be the end of the conversation. Please be the end of the conversation. Please be the end of the conversation.]
G.O.B. "Yes" [FUCK! He's still talking] "this movie is really going to make things interesting"
Me "I'll bet" [I wonder if I shut my eyes, if he'll leave me alone]

I won't bore you with the rest of the conversation, because it went on for too long, and didn't really vary from this theme. Anyway, I decided to do a little research on this movie the guy raving about. It is the movie America: Freedom to Fascism and it is made by the guy who produced Trading Places (which gives him automatic street cred in my book). If you look at the Freedom to Fascism website, it almost looks legit. Almost... But then I found this NY Times Review of the movie

Here are the funniest things that I learned about this "movie" from reading the NY Times article and a few other internet websites:

The director claims that the IRS refuses to point to "the law" that says that we have to pay individual income tax, and moreover that they can't because it "doesn't exist"
- For a debunking of this BS, go here to see that there clearly are laws which authorize personal income tax

Title 26 of the United States Code that the IRS points to is not a law, but a regulation... and "to be a law it has to be passed by Congress." "Mr. Russo added that he had studied the matter closely and was confident that he had the facts."
- This is wrong for so many reasons. First, if it is Title 26 of the United States Code it *is* the law as passed by Congress.
- Second, Even if the director mistook Title 26 of the U.S. Code for Title 26 of the Code of Federal Regulations, the CFR is still legally binding rules which we would have to follow if they are legitimately promulgated.
- Maybe you should have had your lawyer check the facts before you spout off... huh, maybe?

"Not mentioned in the film is that Mr. Russo has more than $2 million of tax liens filed against him by the Internal Revenue Service, California and New York for unpaid federal and state taxes. Mr. Russo declined to discuss the liens, saying they were not relevant to his film."
- Really, you don't think it's relevant that a filmmaker who is making a documentary about the IRS has been accused of owing $2 million in back taxes by the IRS? Not even a little relevant?

And my favorite, the "film's" website says "America: Freedom to Fascism Opened to Standing Ovations at Cannes!"
- But, according to the NY Times article "The film was not on the program at Cannes .... Mr. Russo, the film’s director, writer and producer, just set up an inflatable screen on a beach."
- What?! He just set up a screen on the beach and said it "opened at Cannes!" Wow that's ballsy. Stupid... but ballsy.

¹Which is of course boatloads of fun ... the entire veritable barrel of freakin' moneys!
²For those of you living outside of Minnesota, "The U" is local slang for "The University of Minnesota"

Any Bets?

2007-02-22T13:01:00.000-06:00

Anyone want to start a pool on when Britney will run away from rehab again now that she's back in? Given her recent track record, we'll have to do it in hourly (or perhaps half-hourly) blocks.

I'll take 10-11 pm tonight (that's PST) - a.k.a. the time when she "gets an itching for another drink at the club y'all"

What I Learned on My Long Weekend

2007-02-21T20:34:00.001-06:00

Minnesota had a long weekend until Tuesday (we call it the "Mental-Health Break" because we are sick bastards). Here is what I learned this weekend:

Don't Go to Vegas During an All-Star Weekend - Particularly when it is the NBA's All-Star Game. It was crazy busy, and the Strip was crawling with . . . "undesirables" . . . and the smell of weed pervaded every nook and cranny. There was a shooting at the casino across the street from me. Oh yeah, and I lost tons of money. Stupid Vegas.

Don't Get Sick When You're Going to Vegas - Particularly when you are planning on staying up all night when you get there.¹ I had a little tickle in my throat on Saturday morning before we left, by the time we got back Tuesday evening, I had a full blown Emphezema-style cough which now sounds like I have TB. And I lost tons of money.

These are the life lessons you don't get in law school.

¹And particularly when it is the NBA All-Star Weekend and the Strip is crawling with "undesirables" and the smell of weed will be pervading every nook and cranny.

Whatever

2007-02-09T10:14:00.000-06:00

Am I the only person who doesn't care (not even a little bit) that Anna Nicole Smith died? If you look at the lead stories cnn.com, foxnews.com, msnbc.com, usatoday.com and probably trillions of other news sites, apparently I am.

Unreasonable Super Bowl Recap

2007-02-05T08:43:00.000-06:00

Was it just me or did the Super Bowl seem a little "eh" last night. The game was OK (obviously if you are an Indy fan, then it was awesome, and if you love Da Bears than it sucked like Rex Grossman under pressure) and the commercials were so-so (although, like always, Bud Light brought a couple good ones, but I can't really think of a commerical that was as awesome as in years past).

The only thing I thought was really good was Prince's halftime show (and I'm totally biased because I'm Paisly Park adjacent up here in Minnesota).¹ Besides the fact that I think Prince is one of the best musicians out there (and I mean "musician" literally, as he can actually play instruments, and better than most people out there), I really liked His Royal Badness's show because he actually played his instrument and actually sang during the show, instead of just lip syncing and pre-recording the instrumentals. It actually looked like a little mini-concert.

Oh well. The Super Bowl can't always be super.

¹ By the way, to the 1L I overheard this morning saying that Prince was a bad choice for the Halftime Show, and who "turned off" the Halftime Show... you may not want to admit this to potential employers, as this decided lack of judgement may be decimating to your employment prospects).

Happy Ga... Ga... Ga... Groundhogs Day

2007-02-02T09:21:00.000-06:00

It's a good thing Phil was looking for his shadow in Punxsutawney (mid-20s this morning) instead of Minneapolis (below zero this morning), or he'd freeze his nuts off before he had a chance to look for his shadow.

Taxes... at Eight in the Morning

2007-01-18T08:21:00.000-06:00

I had one seminar on Tuesday, but otherwise I haven't really had any classes yet (I do have one on Monday morning, but we didn't have classes this last Monday because of MLK Jr. Day). But I'm making up for it by taking Tax... for two hours... starting at 8:00 am. Yuck.

On the plus side, I'm betting my Tax-based pick up lines are gonna be hot.

Statutory Pick Ups: No Not That Statutory

2006-12-19T11:17:00.000-06:00

In honor of Dean Chen, I bring you the Chen inspired Statutory Interpretation Pick-Up Lines:

"You've had the canons to interpret my heart since the moment you walked in the door."

(Slightly Dirty) "Baby, after looking at you, I'm changing from a soft textualist into a hard textualist."

"I'll make a clear statement of your hotness so you won't have to rely on the legislative history of my heart." (Weak, I know... really weak)

(Gross) "Can I be a Speluncean Explorer in your 'Funnel of Abstraction'?"

(Honoring the "Legal Process Classics") "Baby, you've been Radin my Hart and Sacks with that fine body, so I want to take you back to my place and spuriously Pound you, or else I'll be forced to resort to my Learned Hand and do some 'imaginative reconstruction' of said body."

(To another guy picking up on the same lady) "Dude, she said she wanted to dance with me, have a drink with me, and go back to my place... therefore by expressio unius she wants to exclusion you."

"It has to be a violation of the Rule of Lenity to be that fine without giving us guys fair notice beforehand." (I had to work in a substantive canon).

"*Woof* That way you can't say this 'Dog Didn't Bark.'"

(Also slightly dirty) [Justice Brennan, to Justice Ginsburg and former Justice O'Conner] "Hey girls, would you like to join me in a Holy Trinity?"

OK, so they weren't my best... but some are OK. Good luck to all who still have finals. On to Noodles for some pre-finals grub.

Chen Go Bye Bye

2006-12-14T15:49:00.000-06:00

I pause from my blogging of pick up lines for this announcement:

Dean Jim Chen will be leaving the law school to become "Da Dean" at University of Louisville's Brandeis School of Law.

Once again, Minnesota let a good scholar and good teacher slip away (some other recent defections include Prof. Farber and Prof. Frickey who are both at Boalt Hall now). They are quickly becoming the Fox Network of Law School Primetime programming... good shows, but they don't know what to do with them, so they just cancel them.

College Football Continued

2006-12-06T09:42:00.000-06:00

Continuing from my mini-rant on Monday about Michigan getting screwed over by the BCS, Espn.com has a cool article about what would happen if the NFL adopted a SBCS (Super Bowl Championship Series) system similar to College Football's BCS formula:

If the NFL had made the move to a two-team playoff model along with college football in 1998, the Steelers would not have played in last season's Super Bowl. The Seahawks might not have either (it would have been tight between Seattle and Denver for the right to play Indianapolis). The Eagles would not have played in Super Bowl XXXIX. The Panthers would not have played in Super Bowl XXXVIII. The Patriots definitely would not have won Super Bowl XXXVI. And those are just the ones that are certain. It's possible that more than half of the Super Bowl teams over the previous eight seasons would not have ended up there in a system like this.

All the playoff upsets, all the great finishes, all the excitement ... it never would have happened. Sound like a good plan to you?

This is one of the better critiques of the BCS system that I've seen. I'm not saying it's right, but it is a compelling argument to me.

Flashback Pickup Lines: Torts

2006-12-05T10:35:00.000-06:00

I feel guilty for my lack of posts this semester, and have already gotten one request for the triumphant return of my lame-ass pick-up lines. Since I haven't started studying for my finals for this semester, and since I didn't start my pickup line thing until Spring semester of my 1L year... I will be going back and thinking up lines for those classes which were left behind from my 1L Fall semester: Namely, Torts and Contracts. Today, Torts... later this week Contracts (and maybe Trial Practice)

So here they are... some lame Torts pickup lines (remember, lame pickup lines)

"I'm going to put my hand on your ass. I know it's not battery because you'll consent to the contact."

"You wanna come back to my place. We can play 'false imprisonment' with my love cuffs."

[Dirty] "Your body has definitely proximately caused me to get hard."

"If you slap me, I'll be privilege to use self-defense and kiss you."

"Baby, you're being negligent by wearing that fine-ass dress in public. You're creating an unreasonable risk of sexiness up in here."

"You've committed an assault on my heart, because I have an apprehension of falling for you."

"A reasonably purdent person can't help but want to get with you."

"I may be negligent by 'accidently' groping you... but you *have* to be contributorily negligent for looking so fine."

[Dirty Again] "I'd tell you how big my dick is, but res ipsa loquitur."

Enjoy.

Larceny: College Football Style

2006-12-04T10:19:00.000-06:00

As I attempt to reclaim my blogging momentum, I would rather post about things completely devoid of legal significance... so I will post about college football instead. Michigan was robbed. Florida does not deserve to play for the National Championship more than Michigan does. They will get killed by Ohio State. You watch.

Warning-less

2006-12-01T11:25:00.000-06:00

I saw a girl on the Light Rail yesterday studying for the LSAT. I resisted the urge to scream "DON'T DO IT! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!" But alas, no warning was forthcoming.

Da Dementors

2006-12-01T09:41:00.000-06:00

So I haven't posted in months (or is it years)... so rather than try to get back into it in a serious way, I'm going to post about something inane and (somewhat) pointless: Television.

Was last night's "The Office" one of the best ever? When Michael turned into "Prison Mike" to scare the Dunder-Mifflinites straight I almost died laughing. But then, he said one of the worst things about prison was "da dementors." Gold. And I won't even get into Ed Helms hitting on Pam by singing a falsetto "Rainbox Connection" in pig latin, while accompanying himself on the banjo.

Nonymous Author

2006-11-01T17:14:00.000-06:00

Jeremy Blachman, of Anonymous Lawyer fame spoke at our school today talking about his blog, how he turned it into a novel, and why he decided not to work at a law firm. He also singed several copies of the book (including my copy... now all Jeremy has to do is become incredibly famous, then the book will be worth boatloads on eBay). Since Jeremy is living every bloggers dream, of course I went. He's a really nice guy.

It was pretty interesting... not so much because of what he had to say (which wasn't uninteresting, because Jeremy had some funny stories), but because he told me afterwards that he was really nervous getting up in front of us and speaking. Since I've been reading Jeremy's personal blog for a couple years, and been reading Anonymous Lawyer for about a year, I found it hard to believe that someone so creative and forward about what he writes would be nervous speaking in front of a crowd of 100 law students from Minnesota (of all places). It was refreshing that while he's been incredibly fortunate and successful with his blog, novel, and (hopefully) TV series (which is in the pre-pilot stage with NBC), he is still humble and modest.

Oh yeah, and he said that us bloggers should probably be careful if we plan on going into a firm. Oops. Well, I haven't had my offer rescinded yet, so that should be an adventure.

What the....?

2006-11-01T11:44:00.000-06:00

I love it when you're trying to read the news online (like I was trying to do on CNN.com today), and you see a headline like this:¹

WTF?! Did I fall asleep and wake up in The Family Guy?² My other favorite part about this is that this isn't a link to a written article, but it's a link to a video. I hope that doesn't mean its a video of the birth.

¹I literally had to do a screen capture of this, because I couldn't believe the headline... and I wanted a record of it.
²Giggidy, giggidy, goo?

Seriously, Audition for T.O.R.T.

2006-10-30T10:15:00.000-06:00

I don't care if you think you don't have time... audition for the law school musical. I can't describe how much fun it is... and the show is going to be really awesome this year.¹ If you don't audition, you'll regret it when you see the show in the spring. You'll say "Why oh why didn't I listen to Unreasonable Man. He's always right, so of course he was right about this."

Just do it.

¹I'm helping write it... how can it not be awesome. Oh yeah, and Kirby's the head writer again, so of course it will be good, and if you haven't seen what Carmen can do, you haven't seen funny. (Well, you've probably seen funny... but Carmen is very funny as well).

Halloween, Gamma Style

2006-10-29T13:42:00.000-06:00

For all of you who went to the Gamma House on Friday night, you were treated to a costume bonanza, including an Indian in a Whoopee Cushion and yours truly as one of the true greats of children's literature.

For those of you that didn't go to Gamma (and you know who you are), shame on you!

Here are the Unreasonable Awards for best costume:

Most Creative (Male) - The dude who dressed up as as the MySpace page of our schools Lexis Rep (Jeff Melville, we love you man). Very original. Bonus points for brining name tags and a sharpie so we could commment as Jeff's MySpace friends.

Most Creative (Female) - I don't know why, but I really got a kick out of the girl who dressed up as a deviled egg. Either that, or my friend Stephanie the Pregnant Nun.

Best Alumni Costume - Mike Reif as Steve Zissou from The Life Aquatic

Best Use of a Theme for Drinking Games - "Dawg" and "Tex" (I assume from Dog the Bounty Hunter) and their relentless possession of the Beer Pong table

Best Use of a "Stereotype" - The Mexican Ostridge Rider. I don't know where the ostridge riding comes in, but excellent use of the sombrero and mexican-guy beard and mustache. (BTW, the guy who had this costume was Mexican, so I guess it was OK to stereotype it)

Lamest Law-School Related Costume - The person in ordinary clothes with the "Reasonably Prudent Person" sign. Somebody always has to do something like this, and this year it was this dude. Saving grace, the picture of Homer Simpson made it a little less lame.

Best Slutty Girld Costume - No real winner here. Everybody who dressed up as a Slutty _______ is a winner in this blogger's eyes.

So that's it. A good time was had by most. If you weren't there... what can I say, you're lame.

Monday Update: I almost forgot one (two actually) very important awards:

Best Commitment to the Costume & Creepiest - The guy who was John Mark Karr and was carrying around his little "Jon Binet" Doll. That guy had the creepy vibe down. It still gives me the jubblies just thinking about it. *Shiver*

Mr. Needle... Meet Mr. Haystack. Mr. Haystack, Mr. Needle.

2006-10-27T13:34:00.000-05:00

I get to start doing document review at work. Man is that fun! Why don't they tell us about this stuff when we start law school?

Me: "You mean I get to look through thousands of pages of documents in case one of them is privileged? And if I screw up and miss the privileged document, and we produce it, we waive the Attorney-Client privilege and open our files to the other side? Sign me up!"

Sorry for the lack of posting since... well, May. I'll be at the Gamma House Halloween party for all my fellow Mondale High-ites. Oh yes, beer shall be consumed.

Audition! Do It! DO IT!

2006-10-24T11:19:00.000-05:00

Just in case anyone actually reads this anymore, and especially anyone from the U Law School who still reads this:

Audition for T.O.R.T.!!!

The sign-up sheets for auditions have been posted on the Announcement Board on the Sub-Plaza level. Auditions start next Monday.

Come on! Do it! You'll have fun. And we aren't called Theatre of the Relatively Talentless for nothing. As the T.O.R.T. website notes:

We're looking for a pulse, talent is very optional.

I'll Have a Chicken Burrito with Black Beans and the Holding of Marbury Please

2006-10-10T14:37:00.000-05:00

I saw a guy in line today at Chipotle reading a casebook while he was ordering¹ ... And highlighting it! WTF! Have I completely lost it, or does this take law school uber-studying to a level of which we dare not ... ney, ought not dream?

I understand being stressed, and feeling like you don't have time enough to do everything; but, reading in line at Chipotle is not the most effective way to study... or to be a normal human being. Please don't do that again. It creeps me out.

¹And not while he was waiting in line, but up at the counter, while he was telling them what he wanted on his burrito!

Playoffs!

2006-10-03T11:44:00.000-05:00

Hooray, the playoffs start today (in less than an hour actually), and my beloved Twins are in the playoffs (after winning the division... Thanks Detroit!). After a pitiful start, and a horrible May, my team was awesome. Now, they take on the A's in the division series, and I'll be at Grandma's (the bar, not my actual Grandma's house), Sgt. Prestons (does Preston's even have a TV?), or Bullwinkles to watch it after my Statutory Interpretation class instead of doing all the work I have to do.

Just to make things interesting, here is my pick to win the World Series, along with several alternatives, and my confidence that each one will win:

1. Twins (about 55-60% confident): OK, so at least 5% of my confidence (and probably at least 10%) is because this is my team and I am totally biased. But I have been watching these guys all year, and you can't keep them down. Their lineup gels together better than any lineup in baseball,¹ their starting pitching is good (Santana=guaranteed 1 or 2 wins per series, the rest can hopefully pick up the slack), and a phenomenal Bullpen. Plus, they got the heart... and all you need is heart (at least according to those Damn Yankees)

2. Those damn Yankees (35-40%): Holy crap, Matsui bats Eighth, and Cano (who almost won the batting title) bats Ninth. Wow, they do have a great lineup. Their pitching isn't great (especially their bullpen), but they can score so many runs that it often doesn't matter.

3. Oakland A's (whatever's left): I think that any team (in this case, my Twins) just needs to avoid "Big Hurt" Frank Thomas, and they should be able to beat them. But, they are good. Really good pitching, and they still do have Frank Thomas. Plus, they probably got some heart.

4. Everybody else (0%): The Tigers have played like crap since August. They couldn't even beat Kansas City at home to win the division. The ROYALS! And all the other teams are in the National League, which, to be honest is a joke. Granted, any team can win in a Seven Game series, this is a pick based on who is better, and if things go to the better team, the National League teams don't have a chance.²

So there you go.

GO TWINS!!!

¹ Yes, even the Yankees. Of course, by "gel" I mean collectively they are better than their individual parts. Overall, the Yankees' lineup is better, but that's because its made up of the best team money can buy (for $200+ million). The Twins have a couple All-Stars (Mauer & Morneau) and a bunch of over achievers.
² The only National League team that might have had a chance was the Mets, but then Pedro went out.

They Bore You To Death (?)

2006-09-28T10:30:00.000-05:00

First, I apologize for the sparseness (sparsity? sparsuation? sparsocracy? whatever) of my posting. When I'm blogging regularly, I am constantly looking for things to post about... when I'm not, I just kind of wade through life not noticing when something awesome or supremely comical happens. Sorry 'bout that. My bad.

OK, now for my partial excuse for the delay. As all you law students have probably heard, there is an addage/cliche which has been used to describe the law school experience in a nutshell. Say it with me:

The first year, they scare you to death. The second year, they work you to death. The third year, they bore you to death.

While there is a certain amount of truth to this addage, it is mostly an oversimplified pile of B.S. What, I didn't work during my fist year? And I don't care if its first year or third year, for at least a few seconds after reading an exam question (you know, before your brain convinces you that you may have learned something about this) you have the fuck scared out of you.

But the biggest B.S. of all is that in the third year, you are bored to death... at least in my case. Sure, I'm incredibly bored in to classes. But, I've been bored in classes since day one, class one (Who's bright idea was it schedule Civ Pro at nine in the morning as my section's first law school class ever?). But with class, reading for class, work, journal editing, and pesky things like hygene, I ain't bored. I may not enjoy what I'm doing, but I have very little free time, so I certainly am not bored.

The phrase really should be: In first year, they scare you, work you, and bore you to death. In second year, they work you and bore you to death. And in third year, they work you and bore you to death, and it is completely pointless because you don't really learn anything anyway.

Oh well, back to some pointless reading that I will forget as soon as I close the book. *Sigh*

Proud to Be A Minnesotan

2006-09-11T17:25:00.000-05:00

Once again, Lexis's "Fact or Fiction" has provided a more compelling incite into our legal system than my classes have. This time, it has taught me that the legislature of my great state... the only state to actually vote for Mondale for President... has an "Official State Muffin" and it is Blueberry.¹

This led me to several observations/questions.
First, why did they waste the time to even consider a law declaring an official "State Muffin"?

Second, what else did they consider besides blueberry? Was there actual debate over which muffin will be the "official" one? ("Blueberry," "NO! Bran, we need more fiber in our diets!" "I prefer lemon poppy seed" "Shut up, opium boy!")

Third, what muffin, besides blueberry, would be able to establish enough of a consensus to be the official state muffin? Maybe chocolate-chocolate chip... but probably there would be some health freaks who couldn't imagine a chocolate muffin representing their state.

Finally, how can anyone deny that Minnesota is a great state? We have an official muffin. This week, muffins. Next week, official hot breakfast beverage (my vote: mochachino).

¹See MINN. STAT. § 1.1496 (2005) ("The blueberry muffin is adopted as the official muffin of the state of Minnesota.")

Reports of This Blog's Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

2006-09-05T13:58:00.000-05:00

"What's up with your blog?"

"Are you quitting like all the other bloggers?"

"Are you dead?"

These are questions I have received countless times since I stopped posting way back in July. No, I am not quitting. I just haven't had much to blog about for the past month and a half. But, now that I have several hours of class time per week, and little to fill it with (and paying attention to the Professor is probably out of the question, if past experience is any guide), I plan on posting a little more frequently.

Enjoy... or whatever it is y'all do when you read this.

Dental Hygenist... or Passive-Aggressive Masochist?

2006-07-14T15:50:00.000-05:00

I don't floss. I know that's bad, but I don't do it. Do you know why? Because I don't get cavities anyway, and every six months I pay someone (or more accurately, my insurance company pays someone) to clean between my teeth anyway.

Of course, I must pay for my refusal to floss. Usually, my tribute is limited to being made to feel guilty for not flossing. The coversation usually goes something like this:

Dental Hygenist (or "The Lady [or man] With the Hook"): Your teeth look nice. You must floss regularly.
Me: Actually no, only occcasionally¹
Hook Lady: (stern look on her otherwise pleasant face) Oh. You really should floss more
Me: I know. I'm sorry.²

Then she cleans my teeth and everyone is happy. I'm happy because my teeth are clean. She's happy because she got to admonish another patient for his slovenly dental care.

But yesterday I went to the dentist, and after the standard "You don't floss... well you should" routine, this particular Hook Lady smiled very nicely and with an extraordinarily pleasant voice said "Let's get started," and proceeded to attack my gums with her hook like an Amazon would attack the jungle with a machete. Several times I could taste the blood. Was this brutal hooking this woman's vengeance for my lack of flossing? Was this behavior sanctioned by her dentist/supervisor? Would I be able to make it to a doctor before passing out for loss of blood?

The swelling in my gums has finally gone down, and I think I've washed the last of the blood out of my mouth... and I'm thinking that I might seriously consider flossing in the future.

At least until next week.

¹ This is code for "Never." I'd feel guilty about lying, but they know this is code for "Never" so it's cool.
² This is code for "I'm not sorry, and I'm still not going to floss." Again, they know this, so we're all good.

Anniversary Thrice... Wow

2006-07-13T13:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my wife and my third anniversary. Although the "Leather Anniversary" is not hugely impressive compared to the silver or gold, I am still amazed that not only have we not killed each other, but we've stayed married even through two years of law school.

Congratulations, darling... since I'm sure the majority of the credit should go to you. I'm looking forward to the next 73.

On Not Making Law Review

2006-07-11T16:42:00.000-05:00

Although very few people probably want to hear this, let alone from me, but I recently read a post by Nick that I felt needed addressing. He, like the majority of petitioners, did not make law review. The following is a part of his recollection of his acceptance cycle (which is actually a pretty clever recollection):

Depression came next and it was profound. My legal career: aborted in the first trimester of law school. My ego was wounded, badly. It hurt I tell you, it hurt. I was listless. I could barely bring myself to have breakfast in bed and jet ski all afternoon. I had to dig deep to get through that day at the spa. What kind of career can I expect, I thought, if I'm not on law review? Is the un-cite-checked life worth living? These questions and others swirled in my head, not unlike delicious frozen margaritas.

While he was clearly exaggerating for comedic effect, there was probably a little truth in these statements (a very little). Even if Nick was completely joking (as I suspect), there probably is someone who thinks this way (i.e. that their legal career is "over" before they are out of law school). For those of you who know this, please excuse my ramblings... but anyone who might think otherwise (even if it is only secretly, deep down in the "fear" center of your brain), please read on and I will do my best to show why this is bull$#@.

First, just to get it out of the way, I know there are some freaky 1Ls (I guess most of them are 2Ls now) that I don't even know (or care exist) who might scream "If law review isn't a big deal, why do YOU post about so much?" My main response is the reason I post about law review is, surprise surprise, because I am on law review. This is my blog, so I tend to post about me, so it makes a lot more sense to post about my experience on law review than on the Civil Rights Moot Court. Also, I was happy that I made law review, and I do feel it is a great way to improve some skills which will be useful later on in a legal career. But, that doesn't mean you can't get the same skills at other journals, in your summer work experiences, or on a moot court. Each journal at Minnesota give you just as much cite-checking experience, just as much writing experience, and just as much improvement in legal argument as every other journal.

Second, while I shouldn't need to tell anyone who reads this, being on law review (or not being on law review) is no indication of your intelligence or your legal prowess. I am certainly evidence of this. I'm a normal guy who gets normal grades, who definitely has no strong passion about "the law" (or at least not so much that I feel the need to discuss it outside of school or work). The other summer associates at my summer firm are also great evidence of this. Only one of them is also on law review, yet they all got a job at this firm, which is no small feat. Two of them also go to Minnesota and aren't on law review (one is on the Journal of Law, Science, and Technology, and the other is a rising 2L who didn't make law review and has yet to hear what journal he will be on) and have picked up the tricks of patent law much faster than I did. My office mate isn't on law review at her school, and she has a much better grasp of the law than I do, and she goes to Pittsburgh for gosh sakes.¹ If law school teaches you anything, let it be this... grades or anything else law school uses to indicate that one student is "better" than another is total B.S., and has more to do with how well someone scraped together a good written argument on a random day than with actual intelligence.

Finally, although it certainly is helpful to have "Law Review" on your resume when you are looking for jobs, the fact that you don't have it on there won't be a hindrance. If you have great grades and publish a really good article for JLI, you are in much better shape for getting a firm job or judicial clerkships than someone with mediocre grades who couldn't get his crappy note published for law review. Employers know that there is much, much more than law review, so just don't worry about it.

OK, that's enough of the lecture... I'm sure there will be plenty of anonymous commentors who will love to tear into me for it, so bring it on.

¹I actually have nothing against Pittsburgh or its law school, but I couldn't go through the entire summer without giving K at least some crap on my blog.

Anonymous Lawyer: The Book

2006-07-10T15:29:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, law school blogger Jeremy Blachman has achieved the ultimate dream ... rather than having to practice law to make a living, he got a book deal. Granted, Jeremy is funny, and is also the author of the hilarious Anonymous Lawyer blog and was outed by the New York Times, which led to him getting a book deal to write Anonymous Laywer: A Novel ... but the point is, he got a book deal while the rest of us will have to "work."

While I was trying to swallow my jealousy over learning about this, Jeremy was kind enough to send me an advance copy of the book in exchange for me sharing my thoughts on this little ol' blog.

First, as many of you may know, this book doesn't take the form of a normal novel, but is written in the style of a blog with a few e-mail interspersed between the postings. I was a little dubious of this style of writing at first, because while blog posts can be quite conducive to telling short stories (evidence on this blog notwithstanding), I was unsure if an entire novel-length story could be told in blog form. However, Jeremy pulled this off beautifully and made a great (and not surprisingly funny) story.

Anonymous Lawyer the novel, like the blog, focuses on the hiring partner of a ficticious BigLaw firm in L.A. It also includes references to Anonymous Wife, Anonymous Son, and Anonymous Daughter. But, the novel also adds Anonymous Lawyer's arch nemesis The Jerk, who is challenging A.L. as the next Chairman of Anonymous Law Firm.

Things go smoothly for A.L. until the new Chairman (on the job for only a few weeks) has a heart attack at his desk¹ and he must find a way to make sure he is made Chairman instead of The Jerk.

Like Anonymous Lawyer: The Blog, the novel is full of heartless and horrible honesty from A.L. about how things "really work" at BigLaw. Like how third-year associates aren't allowed talk to the Summers, so that Summers will accept their offers without knowing what it is really like working there... or how leftover food from meetings is not for the secretaries and should be thrown out instead... or what code words to use on a client's bill which mean the attorney was really taking a dump.

But, even more surprisingly, we learn that A.L. himself isn't totally heartless (we wouldn't really like him much by the end of the book if he was), he's just been forced to be an A-hole by the environment he's worked and thrived in.

The only complaint I really had about the book is that it is too short and the ending is kind of abrupt.² But overall, I highly recommend that you buy Anonymous Lawyer: A Novel when it comes out on July 25.

¹By far, one of the funniest parts of the book is the e-mail the new Chairman writes to the firm as he is having his heart attack... followed by the subsequent e-mails from readers of Anonymous Lawyer's blog from every major city in the country claiming they now know who he is becuase their Chairman also died of a heart attack that day.
²Of course, I couldn't write a novel that was half as long or one-tenth as good... but everyone has room for improvement.

HA! Suckers!

2006-06-30T10:32:00.000-05:00

Apparently, offers went out for Law Review yesterday (I say "apparently" because on Wednesday my EIC told me she was going to start making calls on Thursday... and because at least one blogger has posted that he got on (congrats to Ivan).

All I can say is "Fooled You!" Enjoy your year of cite checking! Although if your personal statements are to be believed (and I sincerely hope they aren't) some of you are actually going to enjoy cite checking.

I'm being a little facetious because I actually enjoyed law review last year, and still think it was way more helpful to me than anything else I could have done. But, there are times when it does suck some.

So, welcome to the "club" newbies.

P.S. You may want to get started on your first racking and cite-checking assignment... it's due on Tuesday.

Good Times

2006-06-15T14:20:00.000-05:00

I apologize for not updating you on how my summer has been going... oops. But, here's a brief recap so far.

So far, I have really enjoyed my work experience at Eel & Poorman. I have been given really interesting and challenging projects (not challenging for a real, full time lawyer, but for someone like me who doesn't really know much, they are challenging) and the people are really nice. Even better, so far, all of my projects have gotten very positive feedback (knock on the fake wood of my desk).

As far as my work goes, yesterday was a really good day. In my first or second week I was given a research project for a motion in a big litigation case that is going to trial next week. So, like all lowly Summer Associates, I did the research as best I could, wrote up a memo and submitted it... hoping that it might actually be useful. Flash forward a couple weeks when our firm actually filed its motion (actually a response to a motion by the other side), and there in the motion was much of what I had written in my memo, some of it word for word. "Cool!" I thought, not only did they say they liked my memo, but they actually used some of my work product so I couldn't suck too bad. Flash forward to yesterday, when the judge's order came out. Not only did the judge rule in our client's favor, but the order used language that started in my memo (albeit changed slightly from its trip through the judge's computer after sliding through our firm's motion). Lame and insignificant as it is, this was very exciting for me.

I'll Light the Torches. You Round Up the Villagers and Pitchforks.

2006-06-12T08:05:00.000-05:00

This is getting recockulous. I still only have one grade. One single, lousy grade. And that's a class where the final was an 18 question Scantron test! Seriously, what's going on?! If the professor's haven't gotten their grades in, what's the freakin' holdup? It's been 5 weeks! (6 for one of my finals).

If the professors have gotten the grades in, than someone is delaying the process unreasonably (Registrar's Office... I'm looking in your direction).

OK. I feel better now. Go Twins!

In Case You Needed Proof That Pat Robertson is a Freak of Nature

2006-06-08T09:30:00.000-05:00

Worst. Blogger. Ever. I'm so sorry about my prolonged silence (although based on the comments from this post, I probably wasn't missed anyway). Things have been crazy busy. Work is busy, but still fun. The petitions are all done, and they don't sort themselves for the graders. And last weekend, my grandparents-in-law celebrated their 60th Anniversary and Unreasonable Wife and I had to attend.

I hope to start resuming posts soon. To at least whet your whistle, I link you to this article discussing the Reverand Pat Robertson's super-human leg strength as he leg presses 2000 pounds.

If only he could use his power for relevancy.

Martha Stewart Tip O' the Day

2006-05-30T17:48:00.000-05:00

In case you didn't know ('cause I didn't), if you get a greasy stain on your brand-new work shirt which you just bought the day before from picking up your sunglasses after you dropped them under your car, but which you don't notice until someone points it out to you at work, apparently Handi Wipes work to remove most of the stain so that it isn't so freakin' noticable to the people you are trying to get an offer for employment from. Nice little tip for you there.

Oh, and what is the deal with only ONE of my grades being in. Come on! At least one other class (the one with only 18-20 students where the exam was almost four weeks ago!) should be in by now! This is unacceptable!

Memories of Pain Gone Past

2006-05-29T11:04:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in the Law Review office waiting for people to turn in their petitions and have full-blown post-traumatic-stress-disorder-type flashbacks of my own wonderful experience of the two-week hell that is writing onto journals.

Two weeks ago I was in the very same chair waiting for students to pick up their petitions. That was somewhat comical because they had no idea what they were in for. Now, as students drop them off, it is also somewhat comical to see the bleary-eyed exhaustion mixed with relief that their first year is finally over.

To all who have finished, or are finishing their petitions. Congratulations, it's a bitch, but once you're done, at least you never have to be a 1L again.

I Never Been Out To Lunch So Many Times

2006-05-27T19:57:00.000-05:00

Two weeks are down at Eel & Poorman, and things are going fairly well. I've had several very interesting projects, including some stuff for a big litigation case Eel is working on. For the two projects where I've had to write a Open Memo¹ I have gotten very good feedback. Yay! I don't totally suck... at least on the busy-work they give to summer associates.

On the culinary side of things, I feel like I am stuffed from all the free food that has been provided by the firm. Free lunches, free bagels for breakfast (not every day, but close); free coffee and soda whenever you want; afternoon trips to the Jamba Juice for a free smoothie,² it's enough to turn a guy fat.³ Between getting paid really well and never having to pay for lunch or daytime beverages, I'm going to be clearing a tidy sum this summer. Too bad I'll have to use it for the triple bypass surgery I'll have to get to clear out my arteries from all the food the firm has us eat.

¹Remember these things from First Year Legal Writing? Well, it turns out you need to keep doing them after your first semester of law school. I guess I should apologize to my legal writing instructor for saying "This s$#t is a waste of time!"
²What kind of free boost would you like with that? You gotta have a boost! I've had 8 energy boosts already today!
³Well... fatter.

Still Exist

2006-05-22T21:14:00.000-05:00

I swear I still exist, I've just been busy at Eel & Poorson (my highly original fake name for my Summer Firm). Last week was my first week filled with yummy free lunches, ice cream and champagne socials (well, just one, but I swear we had an ice cream and champagne social) and even more training on Lexis and Westlaw (I figured two years of using it in law school was enough, but I guess I was wrong... oh well, as long as they make with the points, I'm happy).

More updates later.

Final Pick-Ups: Statistically Speaking, My Worst Ever

2006-05-13T10:17:00.000-05:00

I had my last final today in my "Statistics for Lawyers" class... and it was brutal. I think it's because I didn't do any pick-up lines for it, so to appease the corny-joke gods, I will post them retroactively... and hope that will be enough to make the deity of grading happy.

"I've got a hypothesis to test." [Look closer at her] "Yep, you are definitely hot."

"I can say with a 99.9% confidence level that I will please you tonight."

"There may a negative correlation between the number of Apple-tinis I have and my elloquence, but you look good."

That's it for pick-ups until December. Enjoy the end of your school years! 3Ls, Congratulations on graduating! 1Ls, congratulations on getting through your first year! 2Ls, congratulations on... well, becoming 3Ls I guess.

Administrative Pick-Up Lines: Chevron Goodness with a Thin Skidmore Shell

2006-05-10T22:15:00.000-05:00

Here's another set of my wonderful Pick-Up Lines, this time courtesy of Professor Hickman's Administrative Law Course.

Guy looks girl up and down: "A factual finding that 'You're Hot' is obviously 'supported by substantial evidence.'"

"I'm giving you notice that I find you very sexy. Care to comment?"

"Don't deprive me of holding you without due process of law!"

"You can give me your phone number without going through Section 553 procedures, because it would be 'contrary to the public interest' if people as attractive as you and I didn't get together."

"I've been authorized to use formal adjudication to determine how good you are in bed. Fortunately, this decision can only be made 'on a closed record,' so I'm going to have to sleep with you to make my determination."

"I've got a 'hard look doctrine' for you. See, it's hard... look!"

"I won't be precluded from dreaming about you tonight."

"Have you heard? There is a definite 'zone of interest' amongst the ladies around my bedroom."

"You will experience some well-earned 'exhaustion' if you come home with me tonight."

"I don't think I'll need any post hoc rationale to determine that you've got the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen."

Good luck tomorrow everybody!

Corporations: Lame Pick-Up Lines for the Lamest of Subjects

2006-05-07T17:32:00.000-05:00

These suck even worse than my IP-related lines... mostly because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing when it comes to BA Corps. But here's what I could scrape together. Please provide your own as well.

"I have a duty of loyalty to my heart, and my heart wants you."

Speaking of duties: "Baby, don't go home with him. He put the 'Douche' in 'Fiduciary Duties'?" (This is courtesy of Nate, who effectively called dibs, and dibs is legally binding in the blogosphere)

"Darling, I would love to pierce your corporate veil."

"Can I acquire your phone number, because I'm pretty sure I can get authorization from my shareholders for a merger with you... particularly if it is a Triangle Merger with that girl."¹

"I give you express authority to do what you will with my body. At the very least, you have the implied authority to take off your dress."

"I'll give you $1,000,000 dollars if you'll take my BA Corps Exam for me."²

"Business Judgment Rule? I've got my own BJ rule for you."

OK, that's about all I can stand. How about you.

¹ Woo-Hoo... two menage references in two posts!
²This one isn't so much a proposition as a desperate plea for help.

Patented Pick-Ups: This Time They're Advanced

2006-05-04T11:39:00.000-05:00

OK, these are really stretching it because there wasn't that much material to work with... but I couldn't go into my Advanced Patents exam without giving you something.

"You're beautiful. I'd say 'you're hot' as well, but that would be obvious-type double patenting."

"Baby, lets go back to my place and use a known process *wink* to make a new compound, You + Me"¹

Guy #1: "I would love to do an ex parte reexamination of you."
Guy #2: (hitting on the same girl) "I've got a better idea, lets do an inter partes reexamination."

"I have to tell you that you're the sexiest woman I've ever seen so that I am not charged with inequitable conduct (of the heart?) for not disclosing material information."²

"I'd like to be a coinventor with you on a method of taking off your bra."

Phew. I might have failed my exam without these.

Probably not much posting until Sunday or Monday when my B.A. Corps. Pick-up lines come out.

¹Weak, I know... but you try to make Chemical Obviousness sound hot.
² This one kills at the annual Patent Examiner Christmas party.

I Want You To Hit Me As Hard As You Can

2006-05-03T18:38:00.000-05:00

Student #1: Wow, that hurt.
Student #2: What happened?
S#1: I've never been in so much pain.
S#2: Did you just get hit in the nuts? 'Cause that happened to me at Spring Training a couple years ago when Barry Bonds hit that liner into my junk.
S#1: Nope. Worse
Student #3: Well, did your girlfriend make you get your eyebrows waxed? Damn that can sting!
S#1: Nope. Worse.
Student #4: Did you get bitten by a Brown Recluse Spider? 'Cause those fuckers will mess you up!
S#1: Nope. Worse.
Student #5: If it's so much 'worse,' what happened?!
S#1: I just finished my second Okediji exam ever. Only this one was an eight-hour take home. It BURNS!
Ss #2, 3, 4, and 5: OH SNAP! How are you even walking?!

Into the Belly of the Beast

2006-05-03T08:24:00.000-05:00

I'm going to pick up an all-day take home exam, so any trollish and cowardly comments will have to wait to be answered until this evening.

To everyone else, good luck on your finals. Excelsior!

Lame Law School Pick-Up Lines: In this Episode, Trademarks

2006-04-29T14:39:00.000-05:00

Not my best showing, but here are the first installment of this year's Finals Pick-Up Lines. Feel free to enjoy last year's as well as they are chock full of 1L goodness:¹

"You have created a zone of natural expansion... in my jockey shorts."

"Your picture has become generic for 'hot.'"

"I was going to register the trademark HUGE for my *ahem*, but the application was denied because it was 'merely descriptive'"²

"Your trade dress looks smokin'... it would look even better crumpled up on my bedroom floor."

"I'd like to penetrate your market."

"Your aesthetic functionality makes it impossible for other girls to compete in the market for my heart."

"Does Angelina Jolie know you're infringing on her persona? Becuase there's a liklihood of confusion that you're as hot as her."

¹ I am still particularly fond of "Hey baby... I want to put us in horizontal privity of estate."
²If you don't know trademark law, I assure you this is funny... well, maybe not "assure." Basically, the gist is if a mark is actually dscriptive of the product it is attached to (in the pick-up line, it would be my junk), then it is not protectable. I guess if you have to explain the joke it isn't that funny.

Some Advice

2006-04-26T21:41:00.000-05:00

If you are doing something that will be judged or "graded," perhaps some kind of writing assignment, a "petition" if you will, to get onto some kind of law school publication, or "journal," I highly recommend that you NOT do something that pisses off the people grade that writing assignment.

Unfortunately, this advice was not spawned out of my imagingation, but rather came from a 1L who really is pissing me off. I won't give you any details, because I don't really want to out this guy just because he has made me (and my petition co-chair, and the Law Review EIC) angry, but they were sufficiently stupid and immature (in my opinion) to cause me to write this post.

Petition Mailing Arrangements

2006-04-25T16:23:00.000-05:00

If you are a 1L or a 2L planning on petitioning for Minnesota journals and you want to have the petition mailed to you, don't forget:

MAILING ARRANGEMENTS MUST BE MADE IN THE LAW REVIEW OFFICE BY THE END OF THIS WEEK¹

So, if you will be petitioning, but will be out of town and don't want to have to pick up the petition (and thus start your clock running) before you leave, you MUST make mailing arrangements by Friday, April 28. This includes:²
1) Getting an envelope large enough for the petition to be mailed in (a #12 envelope from the West Bank Skyway Post Office is the right size)
2) Going over to the West Bank Skyway Post Office (between Willey and Blegen Halls) to get the Example Law School Petition weighed, and buying the applicable postage to wherever you want the petition mailed
3) Bringing the envelope, with the correct postage attached and the enveloped addressed, to the Law Review Office
4)Sign in on the desk in the Law Review office and give your self-addressed, postage-paid envelope to the secretary.

Failure to follow these instructions TO THE LETTER³ will result in you NOT receiving a petition, and thus NOT being able to join a journal.

And since I know not all the 1Ls and 2Ls read this blog (like they should... that's a bad 1L!), so those of you who do, please remind your friends.⁴

OK, rant over.

¹Yes, this week... like, BY FRIDAY.
²Forgive me for writing this out like you are a four-year-old, but no-one is going to tell me "I didn't know how to do it!" No Mercy! No Exceptions!
³Unless I misspelled something, in which case failure to follow these instructions TO THE LETTER THAT IT SHOULD BE
⁴Whether to remind your enemies is up to you.

How Do 3Ls Do It?

2006-04-25T12:14:00.000-05:00

I have almost no motivation to study. I go through the motions because I have so many finals (so many, in fact, that every time I tell people how many, they responde "Why did you do that to yourself?"¹). My level of apathy is the highest it has EVER been, and I can only imagine that it will be increased ten-fold by this time next year. This leads me, inescabably, to the following question. How the f&@$ do 3L law students actually study for exams?

I have my own theories as to the answer:
Theory #1: They don't - My guess is that many 3Ls are so close to the light at the end of the tunnel that they are blinded by it and are too busy squinting to study.

Theory #2: They don't care - If my apathy level is at an all-time high of 143 (shattering last spring's previous personal best of 98), I'm guessing the average 3L apathy is somewhere in the neighborhood of 32,456,987,923.²

Or, what I feel is the best, Super Theory: Both Theory #1 and Theory #2.

Still, I'm fucking amazed.

¹The number of finals, by the way, is 5. The reason I "did this to myself" is because I decided to take a sucky semester this Spring so I could take a lighter load next year with more seminars. We'll see if it was wise after grades come out.
²Give or take a few dozen million.

The Results Are In

2006-04-24T12:29:00.000-05:00

23 University of Minnesota Law students were polled, and 23 University of Minnesota Law students agreed: Lottery results (for class registration) are in. Once again, I must ask myself "Did I win?" Here are my results:¹

Criminal Procedure - Reitz, MTW 10:10-11 - I signed up for this class mostly because of the rave reviews by 1L who have him for Crim Law this semester (honestly, you'd think the firsties want to have his intellectual babies the way they rave about him... and apparently his mythical height² adds to the crush). I may also substitute Antitrust for this class, since my Patents professor has said several times that you "Have to take Antitrust!"

Statutory Interpretation - Chen, MTW 11:15-12:10 - The only class I really wanted. Supposedly very educational, and actually fun. Let's hope the hype isn't misleading, like it was for Brokeback.

Art of Appellate Advocacy Seminar - Short, M 3:30-5:30 - I don't know if this class is worth it... but most importantly, it is a seminar, so in theory there is no final.

Trial Practice - The Unknown Professor, M 6-9 pm - The only other class that I actually wanted, mostly because I thought it would be fun to play Perry Mason for a semester. Class 'til 9 pm will suck, but whadda ya gonna do?

Patent Prosecution Seminar - Sieffert, T 3:30-5:30 - I may drop this, but it will be difficult to drop it since I can get an A without much effort (and probably a fairly easy A+ if the professors give A+'s) because I am already a practicing patent agent, and have done a lot of patent preparation and prosecution already.

Intellectual Property Transactions Seminar - Adelman, Th 3:30-5:30 - The last of my triumvirate of seminars. Probably an important course to take as a future IP attorney.

This schedule will definitely change, because this schedule has already resulted in 15 credits not including the 3 credits I will get for law review next fall... and there is no way I am taking 18 credits. I have three options I am considering right now to finalize my scheduled:
Option 1: Drop Crim Pro and keep everything else. This will leave me with 15 total credits with law review, and I will only need to take 12 credits in the spring to graduate.
Option 2: Keep Crim Pro (or substitute Antitrust for Crim Pro) and drop one of my seminars (probably Patent Prosecution). This will leave me with 16 credits in the fall, and only 11 more credits needed to graduate (which require permission from the Administration to take less than a full load, but would be totally worth it).
Option 3: Keep Crim Pro (or substitute Antitrust) and drop two of my seminars (probably Patent Prosecution and Art of Appellate Advocacy). This would leave me with 14 credits for next fall, and 13 credits needed to graduate. This is probably my least likely option... but maybe.

Any thoughts?

P.S.I'm finally getting around to studying for finals, so Pick-up lines will be coming soon!

¹ One student, after asking "Are you talking about Prof. Reitz?" exclaimed "I know Prof. Reitz! He goes about 7 feet 3 inches, weighs about 637 pounds. To Prof. Reitz!!!" the student then proceeded to chug some scotch. It was weird.

Come Drink On Us*

2006-04-19T09:21:00.000-05:00

All you 1Ls and 2Ls who are interested in writing onto the Minnesota Law Review next year should come to a place where the beer will flow like wine. Where citecheckers instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Auerbach. Today at 3:30. Come eat cheese and crackers and drink beer.

There you can ask questions about the journal. Or, if you are more presumptious, whether the rumor is true that after a hectic, thirty-hour citechecking session, yours truly danced across the tables of law review office singing "Butterfly Kisses" while flapping my sweatshirt like butterfly wings.¹

* Not literally.
¹No comment. But even if it were true, which I'm not saying it is, such conduct would be totally justified by the subject of the citecheck assignment (substantive due process) and the unbelievable amount of Laffy Taffy consumed. And I sooo totally would *not* sing "Butterfly Kisses." I sang... I mean, *would* sing a medly of great songs with the word "fly" in it. i.e. "Fly Away" by Lenny Kravitz, "I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly, "Learn to Fly" by Foo Fighters, "I'm Flying" from Peter Pan... that kind of thing. Ahem.

"The Butter of the Poor"

2006-04-18T08:19:00.000-05:00

In patents, we are reading Vitamin Technologists, Inc. v. Wisconsin Alumni Research Found. (WARF), a case where the fact which seems to sway the court is that the patent holder (essentially the University of Wisconsin) is not allowing its patent (a process which causes yeast in dairy products to produce vitamin D) to be used on margarine.

"Why does this matter?" you ask.

Well, I'm glad you asked, ficticious inquirer. Because, dear reader, vitamin D cures rickets (or more precisely, Rickets is caused by vitamin D deficiency), and because in the 1940s (when this case was decided), Rickets was most prevalent in the lower class, referred to in a very un-PC way by the court as "the poor."

"OK, but where is the connection to margarine?"

Again, excellent question, my non-existant friend. Because, margarine, or "oleomargarine" as the court calls it, is "one of the foods of the poor"¹ and better yet "the butter of the poor." The court also seems swayed by the fact that that patent is held by a university in Wisconsin, "a state of powerful vested interests in dairy enterprises" where the state legislature loves "imposing heavy restrictions upon the competition of oleomargarine with butter."²

Yep, this case was decided on whether Badger U. can keep poor people from eating Rickets-free fake butter. An actual, for real decision of a United States Court of Appeals came down to FAKE BUTTER and RICKETS.

This case, and an invention I wrote about earlier, are two of the reasons why I love patent law.

Update: OK, I should really read cases more carefully before I post about them. Apparently all the great fake-butter language was just pointless dicta to a much more mundane invalidity-of-the-patent holding. This was still kind of extraordinary in that the court intentionally went out of its way to write a shit-load of dicta about FAKE BUTTER and RICKETS.

¹ When I read "food of the poor" I immediately pictured poor, homeless or orphaned children (like Tiny Tim or Oliver Twist) sitting down to eat a big tub of Parkay. "You can't eat your pudding if you don't eat your oleo! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your oleo!"
² I could not make up this kind of language.

Defense to Charge of Run-On Sentencing: "The Supreme Court Does It"

2006-04-17T08:52:00.000-05:00

I assure you that I am still alive, but working on the petition for all the ickle firsties trying to write-on to the journals and family stuff for Easter has sucked up all my time that isn't being spent studying. But, in an effort to do something other than studying, I offer you the following defense to a charge of excessive run-on sentences:¹ "The Supreme Court of the United States does it . . . I can too!"

As an example, I offer into Evidence the case of United Drug Co. v. Theodore Rectanus Co.² (kindly provided by my Trademarks casebook). In that case, the Court kindly summerized the holding of the Court of Appeals in the following sentence:

The Circuit Court of Appeals held that in view of the fact that Rectanus had used the mark for a long period of years in entire ignorance of Mrs. Regis' remedy or of her trade-mark, had expended money in making his mark well known, and had established a considerable though local business under it in Louisville and vicinity, while on the other hand during the same long period Mrs. Regis had done nothing, either by sales agencies or by advertising, to make her medicine or its mark known outside of the New England States, saving sporadic sales in territory adjacent to those States, and had made no effort whatever to extend the trade to Kentucky, she and her successors were bound to know that, misled by their silence and inaction, others might act, as Rectanus and his successors did act, upon the assumption that the field was open, and therefore were estopped to ask for an injunction against the continued use of the mark in Louisville and vicinity by the Rectanus Company.³

Quite the moutful, eh? As if that weren't bad enough, the Court later "succintly" stated its holding, again in a single sentence, thusly:

Mrs. Regis and her firm, having during a long period of years confined their use of the "Rex" mark to a limited territory wholly remote from that in controversy, must be held to have taken the risk that some innocent party might in the meantime hit upon the same mark, apply it to goods of similar character, and expend money and effort in building up a trade under it; and since it appears that Rectanus in good faith, and without notice of any prior use by others, selected and used the "Rex" mark, and by the expenditure of money and effort succeeded in building up a local but valuable trade under it in Louisville and vicinity before petitioner entered that field, so that "Rex" had come to be recognized there as the "trade signature" of Rectanus and of respondent as his successor, petitioner is estopped to set up their continued use of the mark in that territory as an infringement of the Regis trade-mark.⁴

What a great example of legal writing that is. Remind me to submit a conclusion sentence like that in every piece of legal writing I ever do.

¹ Which is an obsession of my Note & Comment editors which is surpassed only by their hatred of the Passive Voice, even if the voice is not passive and the sentence does not "run on" beyond two lines. But I digress.
² 248 U.S. 90 (1918). Incidentally, Rectanus is one of the funniest party names I've seen all year. I mean come on, it has the major part of the word "Rectum" in it, and the word "anus" too. And that is some guy's last name. That guy would have been teased in my elementary school.
³ Id. at 96 (describing the holding of the Sixth Circuit using as many f&*king words as possible).
⁴ Id. at 103 (are you KIDDING ME?)

Home Opener

2006-04-11T08:50:00.000-05:00

Sure, my team sucks (1-5 baby!), but as I have mentioned before, the Twins hold a special place in my heart, even in the sucky years. And, today is the Home Opener at the wonderful stadium that the Twins play in (a.k.a. the Metrodome, or Twinkydome if you are an old, crusty White Sox announcer who still insists on being called "Hawk").¹ We're having beer and hot dogs in the law library, and at least for the lunch hour, all will seem almost normal in the world.

¹People like the Hawk love to disparage the Metrodome, but no matter what the critics say, the Twins still play in one of the best football stadiums in Major League Baseball

"Race" for Justice - An Unreasonable Embarrassment

2006-04-09T18:19:00.000-05:00

I ran in the Race for Justice this morning, which is a 5K charity run which provides for student loan repayment for those students who want to practice public interest law, but wouldn't be able to because their crippling student loans coupled with the paltry salaries these types of jobs tend to pay. Of course, I wasn't really running the race to "help people." No, I was running it to beat people in a race (not all the people, but at least a respectable number.)

But sadly, me "winning" the race... or even "finishing respectably," was not in the cards this year. Instead, I was utterly embarrassed by my poor showing. Well, maybe not "utterly embarrassed - I did turn in a "decent" time - but my visions of glory certainly were not realized.

I started out strong at a good pace. But, it became clear that my month of inactivity since the musical has not done well for my personal physical fitness. Slowly, but surely, people began to pass me. I would have been OK with this, because most of the people that were passing me early on seemed to be in good shape, so I could easily justify it: "They just run regularly. I'd be able to take 'em if I had been running regularly too." However, as the torrent of my tormentors began to pick up, this excuse could no longer cut it. First, it was the little junior high girls who had come to run with their lawyer parents. *Ouch* Then, it was the people running with their dogs. *OUCH* But then, the most painful of all, the dads passed me who were pushing baby strollers while they were having a casual conversation with their baby-pushing friends. *OUCH* It's like they were just out for a leisurely stroll. Man, I suck.

I thought I'd do something "good." I thought I'd help out Loan Repayment Assistance Program so that hippy-type people could do good, honest legal work while I suckled at the teat of my corporate overlords. But alas, it ended in shame for this lowly blogger. *Sigh*

Now Available Through iTORT

2006-04-08T16:10:00.000-05:00

The T.O.R.T. producers have been kind enough to record a soundtrack from this years musical and create mp3s of all the songs, available here. The sound quality pretty much sucks when you are trying to listen to us lowly chorus members (unlike we are good enough to have a solo line with a microphone), but it's still nice to hear some of the songs.

I particularly love "I Feel Shitty" - (which starts immediately after a student gives a particular bad answer in class and the professor asks "How do you feel about your answer know?") and "No 1L, No Cry" when it talks about The Case of the Thorns.

Why, Oh Why Do I Do This To Myself?

2006-04-06T10:32:00.000-05:00

You'd think I'd learn from my three previous semesters of law school... but, ONCE AGAIN, I have less than a month until finals, and I haven't even STARTED outlining. For at least one class, I don't need to outline, but for my other four I may be screwed. This should be fun.

In short, if you are a 1L looking to me for advice,¹ if you haven't started outlining, you are up a smelly creek without that crucial paddle. If you have your outlines up-to-date and are ready for finals, I hate you and hope you die a slow, painful death immediately after your last final so that as you lay dying in pain you will say to yourself "I wish I had had more fun like Unreasonable Man."²

¹ You should really stop that... I clearly don't know what I'm doing
² This happend twice last year... seriously, people talk about me all the time as they are about to die from exam-induced dysphoria.

Can You Spot The Eminent Scholar?

2006-03-31T07:27:00.000-06:00

I know I go to a "Top Tier" law school, but it always surprises me when I discover that one of my professors is an "Eminent Scholar" in some area of law. Not because I don't think they're smart, but because professors at Minnesota (for the most part) seem like normal people.¹ But every once in awhile, I run across something that makes me realize that these are really top flight "scholars."² Earlier this week in my Admin. Law class, we were reading United States v. Mead,³ which is, as US Weekly has written "the hottest Administrative Law opinion since Chevron. If you only read one Supreme Court opinion discussing reviewing-court deference to agency interpretations this year, make it Mead."⁴ Anyway, the opinion cites an article co-written by Prof. Admin. The Supreme Effing Court cited her article!

I know it is weird to go all star struck over this but when I saw the cite, I was like "I know her! I KNOW her!"

So yeah, I'm a nerd. But, Prof. Admin. is still awesome. And now I realizes she's awesome for a reason other than because she is a teacher that can almost make Administrative Law interesting.

¹ Case in point, Professor Matheson was more than willing to repeatedly say "Mr. Dumbass" and sing in the musical this year... and he seemed to be having a lot of fun doing it.
² As much as legal scholarship can truly be called "scholarship." But that's a debate for another day.
³ 533 U.S. 218 (2001) (providing the cite because I know y'all want to read it).
⁴ US WEEKLY 43, Jul. 22, 2001 (seriously, its in US Weekly... read it.)

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

2006-03-28T21:07:00.000-06:00

We interrupt the normal incoherent ramblings of this blog for the following announcement on behalf of the Minnsota Student Intellectual Property Law Association:

If you haven’t been to a Student Intellectual Property Law Association meeting (and judging by the turnout of some of our meetings... most of you haven’t), then THIS is the meeting for you!

Faculty and upper-level students will discuss courses you should take before graduation, so you will have some clue how to fill out your Registration Lottery.

But wait, there’s more! We also will be electing officers for next year. Have you ever wanted to be called "Mr. (or Ms.) President"? How about being in charge of a budget that involves literally tens of TENS of dollars? NOW YOU CAN BE!

All this, plus Lunch (WOW!)
Tues, April 4, 12:15 in Room 40
Be there, or Be Somewhere Else

And now we return you to mundane observations... What's the deal with Scalia? An "obscene gesture under his chin"?

When Real News Could Be In "The Onion"

2006-03-28T13:37:00.000-06:00

Weird. Some kid here in Minnesota (Austin, MN to be specific... whose only prior claim to fame was that it's the home of Hormel, and the SPAM Museum, and thus smells like bologna) crawled into a "Claw" Machine.

Here are some pictures

Only in America.

Babies! Babies Everywhere!

2006-03-27T21:17:00.000-06:00

Today in Unreasonable Land was the Day of the Baby. As I was leaving school, I got a voice mail from my mom saying that my cousin had her first child, a son.

And then, when I get home and check my e-mail, my best friend from high school (and still a very good friend now) just had his first child, a daughter (well, actually his wife had the child... but you know what I mean).

Holy crap that's a lot of new fingers and toes (hopefully 20 more of each!)

So, to little Preston and baby Brynn... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

If They Take My Stapler Then... I'll Set The Building On Fire

2006-03-27T16:44:00.000-06:00

Q: How cool is a casebook that points you to a website dedicated to Milton's¹ stapler from Office Space (as my Trademarks book has done)?

A: Way cool, man. Way cool.

¹ "Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt on the margarita... But, it had salt on it. Big grains of salt... floating in the glass."

Examine THIS!

2006-03-26T09:44:00.000-06:00

When I first got to law school, I thought it was so weird that there was only one exam at the end of the semester instead of several throughout the semester. Now, I have a mid-term on Tuesday and it feels all weird. I've pretty much built up a comfort zone around being somewhat clueless throughout the semester, and then pulling it all together during a month-before-finals death march of cramming and outlining. And now, I have to cram everything from the first half of the semester for one of my classes into my brain for this midterm. Granted, this is for my Statistics for Lawyers class, which has going at a pretty leisurely pace (and has pretty much tracked the Statistics course I took in undergrad), so this shouldn't be too difficult.

Still, an exam in the middle of the semester feels weird.

Vegas #2: The Shows Baby!

2006-03-25T18:05:00.000-06:00

There are two things that Vegas is known for: 1) Gambling; 2) Shows¹. I will talk about our gambling in a later post. But now, I will talk about the types of shows you can go to in Vegas. First, the shows we went to:
1) A Broadway Show - This is a fairly new development in Vegas, but I've heard that more and more Broadway shows are going to do a long run in Vegas before they start touring nationally. We saw Avenue Q, which is a very funny show which I saw on Broadway when I interviewed in New York back in September, and the Unreasonable Wife wanted to see it too. If you get a chance to see this, in New York or Vegas, GO! It is hilarious. It's got two puppets having sex, what's not funny about that?
2) Magic Shows - There are at least three magic shows that we saw advertisements for. Most of these are the corny, David Copperfield or Siegfried-and-Roy type flashy show. Including Lance Burton: Master Magician, which we saw. Nothing really to say about this. If you've seen a magic shows, you pretty much seen what Lance is all about. A lot of levitating and using silver hoops to show "She's really floating!" Pretty standard really.
3) Comedy Show - Several stand up comedians do shows in Vegas. We just went to a stand-up club where a couple comedians performed. I've seen one of them before (Cathy Ladman), but overall it was just OK.
4) Free Performances at Casinos - Several casinos have these shows so you will come for the show, and stay for the gambling. We went to a couple of these... The Sirens of TI at Treasure Island (a.k.a. the tackiest show ever), and Masquerade: Show in the Sky at the Rio (an attempt to simulate Carnival in Rio de Janeiro). Both were OK... eh.

And the shows we didn't go to:
1) Celine Dion - AHHHH! There aren't enough free comps in Vegas to make me go see this show!
2) Showgirls! (a.k.a. "The Revue") - You know, the huge headdresses and the bare breasts. We didn't go to one of these because they were expensive. There's also the opposite variety, the Showdudes shows... Which currently include The Thunder From Down Under and American Storm
3) Impersonators - Most famously brought to Vegas by Elvis Impersonators, and now including several shows, including Legends in Concert, a Rat Pack Show, and a Beatles tribute called Fab Four Mania. We also saw the Neil Diamond impersonator as we were walking through the Riviera (at least I hope he was the Neil Diamond impersonator, or else it was just a guy with really bad taste).
4) Strip Clubs - Come on. I was there with my wife.
5) Cirque de Soleil - There are current four, yes FOUR, Cirque de Soleil shows in Vegas (and there will be a fifth later this year). Whether its Mystere, KA, "O", or the slightly creepy Zumanity, they're all weird... but all supposedly good. There's also a Cirque de Soleil wanna be at the Wynn called La Reve (you can tell it is Cirque de Soleil-ian if it uses a vaguely french phrase)

There are others... basically, you can see whatever you want in Vegas.

¹ OK, and prostitution... but lets try to have just one post that doesn't talk about whores.

Rethinking Monetary Donations as "Speech"?

2006-03-23T10:07:00.000-06:00

Last night's Daily Show had Sen. Russ Feingold (D Wis.) on. The interview of Sen. Feingold itself wasn't that interesting (in my opinion). But, at the end Jon Stewart was discussing campaign finance reform,¹ and argued that the first step is to recognize that campaign donations are "speech." And then he said something that really got me thinking:

When you have a debate and one person is arguing reasonably, and the other is handing out $10,000 a person, we know who will win that debate every time.

At first I thought "Of course campaign donation is speech" (harking back to Con Law when we argued this). But than I really thought about it, especially with respect to Corporate donations. Is it really speech?

Do the realities of the current practice of corporate campaign donations and lobbying (i.e. a corporation having a lobbyist wine and dine, not to mention donate buckets of money, to a politician to vote their way... and doing the same thing to every politician) really have the characteristics of speech? I'm really just thinking out loud here, but maybe the original justification for thinking of campaign donations as speech no longer apply. I haven't really looked at the cases since we discussed the First Amendment in Con Law last year, so I may be way off baase, but to me "speech" is a conveyance of ideas for the purposes of good public discourse. But, a corporation giving money to a bunch of Congressmen so they'll vote for something that will increase the corporation's bottom line doesn't really serve the purpose of public discourse. If anything, as Jon Stewart pointed out, it hinders it.

Just throwing this out there. Discuss. Hey! This could be another Note topic for all you future Law Journalistas.

¹ Noting that Sen. Feinfold is the one in the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform law.

Great Note Topic for Next Year

2006-03-22T10:53:00.000-06:00

Are you a 1L who will be on a journal next year? Are you afraid of picking a Note Topic? Well, luck for you, the Unreasonable Man is here for you (well, one of you, because only one person can write on this gem). According to an article from today's Minneapolis Star-Tribune, attorneys for former Vikings "Quarterback" Daunte Culpepper and current running back Moe Williams for the Lake Minnetonka Sex Cruise scandal are arguing that the prosecutor have not alleged illegal sexual activity. Apparently, this issue turns on the definition of "lap dance" under the law:

Judge Kevin Burke questioned the attorneys as he tried to reach a legal definition of a lap dance, saying he knows of no relevant case law.

Talk about a sexy legal topic... literally! And imagine the research possibilities. No longer do you have to feel like perv for sneaking off to Deja Vu... now you're "Doing legal research."

You're welcome.

Vegas Post #1: Tacky is King

2006-03-21T08:41:00.000-06:00

As promised... or mentioned... I will have a series of posts about our trip to Las Vegas. I apologize for anyone who has been to Vegas before (particularly anyone who has been there multiple times), because this won't give you any new information.

Anyway, like the vast majority of visitors, we stayed on the Strip. And on the Strip, tackier is better. Even the fanciest hotels (the Bellagio and the Wynn) are tacky to the point of absurdity. The New York-New York Hotel looks like its made of balsa wood and Scotch Tape. The "Eifel Tower" at Paris Hotel in no way evokes the same feeling as standing under the real Eifel Tower. It just feels cheap. The pirate show at Treasure Island... oh my god, that is the tackiest thing I've ever seen.

But, the beauty of Vegas is that doesn't matter. It's the tackiest place on earth, and to distinguish your hotel, you need to have something tackier. It's like the 1970's gave birth to its own city.

Vegas Is A Trip

2006-03-17T09:58:00.000-06:00

I literally have soooo much to post about from our Vegas trip that it will take several posts to describe it all. For right now, all I'm going to say is that Vegas was a blast, but I'm glad we only spent a few days there. We gambled. We went to a few shows. We walked the strip. It was surreal.

Leaving On A Jet Plane

2006-03-11T21:48:00.000-06:00

We're leaving for our Spring Break trip to Las Vegas early in the morning. Blogging will be sparse (nonexistant more likely) until Thursday, unless I can find a cheap internet cafe.

Keep On Rockin' On Your B-Day

2006-03-10T16:52:00.000-06:00

Gopher-Goof over at The MN Life has a link to a database of Billboard's #1 Hits on a particular date, which allows you to see what song was #1 on the day you were born. Sounds pretty cool right? Well, that depends on what was popular when you were born.

For me, its "Shadow Dancing" by Andy Gibb. Andy Gibb! Not even one of the actually Bee Gees... just their frickin' younger brother.

Well, maybe the Unreasonable Wife's is worse. Let's see...

Nope! Her's is awesome. "Funkytown" by Lipps, Inc. Great... now all she's gonna do is talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it.

Apparently, This Blog is the "TigerBeat" of T.O.R.T.

2006-03-09T11:54:00.000-06:00

Help! My blog is being invaded by 1L girls arguing which T.O.R.T.-feasers are the dreamiest! Ahhhh!¹

¹ I wonder if I would mind as much if I was on any of their lists?

Is There Restitution for "Loss of Humor"?

2006-03-07T19:51:00.000-06:00

I've been meaning to post on this for awhile, and Russ's post on how bad Seinfeld would be if a lawyer was involved reminded me... but one of the things "they" don't tell you about law school is that you lose some of your sense of humor. How many of my fellow law students have experienced something similar to the following:

[Scene: A man and a woman are watching TV. The woman looks perky and happy. The man looks drawn and tired. Care to guess which one is the law student and which one isn't? They are watching a sitcom where something zany has happened. The woman laughs heartily. The man merely chuckles, but also looks disturbed].
Woman: That was SO funny!
Man: It was alright... But that could never happen. In [insert class name here] we learned that the doctrine of [insert boring legal term here... bonus points for a pretentious latin phrase like res ipsa loquitur] precludes a person from asserting a defense for [blah blah blah]
Woman: Dude, what the heck are you talking about?! We're watching TV, and you're ruining it!
Man I'm just saying its totally unrealistic.
Woman: Of course its totally unrealistic. It has Neil Patrick Harris in it. He was a frickin' doctor at 16, and now you expect realism!
[End Scene]

Even if that scene doesn't happen, and the law student "holds it in," what was once very funny has still become less so for the law student because our minds are still cycling through causes of action and possible defenses. Torts in particular is a great class for this... what was once a funny Three Stooges bit becomes "Well that was clearly battery, or at the very least negligence."

The effect is exponentially amplified when multiple law students are involved. That same Three Stooges clip becomes:
Student 1: Well, Moe clearly performed a battery there.
Student 2: No, that was merely negligence. True, Moe did intentially punch out with his fist, but Curly moved into the space where the fist eventually landed. While Moe may be liable for Curly's injuries, he is not liable for battery and all the additional emotional damages that may arise.
Student 3: I disagree. No matter which tort Moe might have been liable for, Curly clear consented to the contact. From their previous actions in earlier Stooges movies, Curly knew, or can be presumed to have known because the reasonable prudent person would have known, that such fighting occurs regularly, and yet he still hung around with Moe and Larry. At the very least, he assumed the risk.
Student 1: Yes, but Curly clearly (law students love to say "clearly") has subpar intelligence, so can we truly assume that his bald, pea brain would know that past violence meant future violence
Student 3: That doesn't matter. The reasonable person standard cannot be dumbed down merely because this particular person is stupid. Otherwise, the law would create a "race to the bottom," lowering standards for everyone

See how unfunny that is. But I know I witnessed similar discussions after a Torts class, and I'm sure some of you have as well.

Even when we are funny, it is slanted heavily in favor of "law related humor," that while very funny, is still not funny to the general public. Mike at Wings & Vodka is a great example of this. (My personal favorite of his to date is his "Motion to Transfer Venue" from one conference room to another). Law School musicals are another good example. I laughed harder at Walter Wanka and the Lawyer Factory then I had laughed in years. And this year's musical was also quite good. But, many of the funniest jokes are inside jokes that only law students would get (and for some, that only U of MN law students would get).¹

I don't really know where I'm going with this... hmmm. But the point is, law school is great for a lot of things; but humor ain't one of 'em.

¹ That's not a bad thing as far as the musical goes, as it is a law school musical... but that doesn't change the fact that we are less funny now, at least to the outside world, than when we started law school.

We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Blog

2006-03-07T12:52:00.000-06:00

I have to take a break from debating the merits of Harry Potter vs. My Fair Lady, West Side Story, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, et al., to comment on the shocking (at least shocking to me) death of Kirby Puckett.

For people who aren't Minnesota Twins fans, this may not seem like a big deal. And, in the grand scheme of things, it isn't. Compared to world hunger, poverty, the war in Iraq, etc., the loss of a former baseball player is merely a sad event. But, for me, Kirby was a big deal.

I was 12 years old when my family moved from Nebraska to Minnesota. Being 12 and awkward is hard enough, but doing it after moving away from most of my family and my best friend in the world was particularly hard on me. Even worse, we moved during the summer, so for about 3 months I didn't even have a new school to meet new friends. What I had to fill the void was Twins baseball.

Most likely because they were feeling guilty for uprooting me at this vulnerable age, my parents took me to loads of Twins games (at least a dozen... and probably more). Even when I wasn't going to a game that summer, I was watching them on TV. To top it all off, that was the summer of 1991, when the Twins went from worst (dead last the previous season) to First (winning the World Series in what is quite possibly the most exciting World Series ever).

My only truly happy memories from that miserable summer was going to the ballpark, waiting for Number 34 to come up to bat, and hearing (and usually shouting along) as the announcer screamed "Batting Third, KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRBYYYYYYYYYY PUUUUUUUCKEEEET!!!!"

Like so many others, I was enchanted by Kirby's enthusiasm, his hustle, his love of the game, the exuberance he brought to each and every game he played, and the way every eye in the stadium was drawn to him.

Just about every Twins fan remembers Game 6 of the '91 Series, when Kirby almost single-handedly won the game for the Twins and forced a Game 7, which the Twins won to take the title. But for me, I will always remember Kirby for the magical way this squatty little guy would beat out a ground ball and how he could light up the entire Metrodome with his smile and a tip of his batting helmet.

Goodbye Kirby. You'll never knew how much you touched my life, but I'll never forget you.

Back to School

2006-03-07T10:22:00.000-06:00

It's really hard to take school, and BA Corps in particular, seriously when the professor keeps writing "BJ Rule" on the board when talking about the Business Judgment Rule.

While We've Tried To Entertain, Our Grades Have Gone Down The Draaaaaaain!

2006-03-06T09:04:00.000-06:00

It's over! The T.O.R.T. musical is over! Very fun week... but I am so exhausted, and so far behind in my class reading that it will probably take me a week or so (plus spring break) to get back on track.

Highlights of West Bank Story from this cast-member's perspective:
- U.S. Dist. Court Judge John Tunheim ad libbing the line from "I'm a District Court Judge, I can do whatever I want" to "I'm an activist judge, I can do whatever I want"
- "As long as my sister is sexually gratified, you have my blessing" instead of the actual line "As long as my sister is happy..."
- The director yelling at the cast and crew for being drunk during Saturday's matinee
- "How do you feel about your answer now, Mr. Dumbass?" - "I Feel Shitty" was probably one of the funniest songs in the show
- Professor Younger whipping out a Pabst Blue Ribbon during her scene on Saturday, thereby making it nearly impossible for the cast to refrain from laughing while on stage
- "And I said 'No Dean Keyes, your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.'"
- Firooz and every performance of "No 1L, No Cry" discussing The Case of Thorns "This song of a bitch, he dropped my branches. Now I'm so confused."
- Knowing that Trevor would "Do Anything For Law ... as long as two dudes can't be honeys!"
- Minnesota Attorney General Mike Hatch screwing his lines up royally. You would think a politician could memorize lines better... especially one who is running for governor.
- And finally, some of my classmates actually telling me they voted for me to be Head Writer next year, despite the fact that Kirby "I wrote West Bank Story" Peterson ran again, because they liked my idea better. I still won't win, but it was nice that people liked my idea.

It was a blast. Now I have to dig my way out of a mountain of reading. Caffeine will be involved.

Its Show Time!

2006-02-28T12:07:00.000-06:00

Dress Rehearsal Week sucks! There's not much else to say about it. Not only am I not getting home until midnight every night after 4-5 hours of "dancing" and "singing," but I'm paying more for parking than I have had for the rest of my law school career (I normally never drive to school, but my bus doesn't run that late at night... so now I have to pay for parking all day at school, and then for 5 hours at the St. Paul Student center for rehearsal).

Oh well... at least the show's coming together. I still don't know if it will be as funny as last year (although that is a pretty high bar), but it will be funny.

Damn, I Voted For That Guy

2006-02-24T09:36:00.000-06:00

For those fans of The Daily Show (and if you aren't, you really should be), once again a hapless interviewee was made to look like a fool because they didn't know that The Daily Show isn't a real news show ("Ha Ha Ha! Look at the moron who agreed to be interviewed on The Daily Show!"). Unfortunately, their latest "victim"¹ was the sitting Governor of Illinois, who I helped put into office (via my lone vote when I was still an Illinois resident).

For those who didn't see the segment a couple weeks ago, it was about a pharmacist in Suburban Illinois refusing to fill a prescription for "emergency birth control" (the latest euphemism for The Morning After Pill, which itself is a euphemism for "Oh Shit! The condom broke!" or "Oh Shit! We were too fucking stupid to use a condom!"). As part of this segment they interviewed Gov. Rod² Blagojevich (that's pronounced Bluh (rhymes with "Duh" - goy (rhymes with "boy") - uh (rhymes with "uh") - vitch (rhymes with "itch"³)).

When I first saw the skit, I just though the Governor was cool, and had agreed to go on The Daily Show. Nope, turns out the guy didn't know that the show is the fake news.

Here's my question. Why would he admit that he didn't know it was fake? If he pretended that he knew, then he has a good sense of humor, and people (at least "The Young People") would like him (as one quote in the article put it "I thought the governor was hip enough that he would have known that [The Daily Show is a comedy program]"). Now he's a complete tool... a rod, if you will... for being duped by one of the more popular shows on TV.

And I voted for the guy. Crap.

¹ I have trouble calling them a real victim, because they agreed to be interviewed and didn't see what kind of show they were being interviewed on.
² How can there be a Governor Rod? Doesn't that sound like a male stripper who wanted to sound more sophisticated? "Ladies! Are you ready for a dose of state-level executive privilege! HEEEEEREEEEEEE'S Governor Rod!"
³ Admit it, you thought I was going to say rhymes with "bitch" didn't you. You have a dirty mind.

Two Days 'Til Mental Health

2006-02-22T09:36:00.000-06:00

We just had two days off for President's Day (Why? Who cares... we didn't have to go to class!) which we colloquially call "Mental Health Days" (seemingly because we have had to slog through three of the dreariest and coldest months in the continental United States all while reading about the Rule Against Perpetuaties, or in my case Piercing the Corporate Veil, which tends to make you a little peeky).

Now, we're back, and I'm experience a decided "Post-Mental Health Day Let Down." Four days off is awesome, but the first day back SUCKS. Stress will be building over the next few weeks. Here's why:
1) I (along with my fellow "Research Editor") need to start planning this year's Petition for the ickle firsties¹;
2) Last cite check for Law Review is due next Friday... by itself this wouldn't be a huge deal... BUT
3) The TORT musical starts NEXT Thursday - Holy crap! How can that be? That means next week is dress rehearsal week, and reading for class probably won't exist.

Blogging may be sparse.

¹ Oh yeah, I'm a Research Editor for next year on Law Review, which means I get to help prepare the Petition for getting onto journals for next year. So, if, come what May, you like the topic and are happy with how you did on the petition, you can thank me... if you don't like the topic, then that was the other Research Editor's fault.

"I'm Sorry My Nuts Got In The Way of Your Foot"

2006-02-17T15:15:00.000-06:00

Would you ever hear anyone say that?

NO!

So why is the guy who got shot by the Vice President apologizing to the Vice President? I don't understand. Unless he thinks Cheney is going to come back to finish the job.

Lunch Meetings

2006-02-17T07:05:00.000-06:00

I rarely go to lunch meetings at school any more. Sure, I can get free pizza two or three times a week if I did, but really there is only so much pizza you can eat before 1) Getting sick of it (this is particularly true of Papa John's, the seemingly-Official Pizza of Student Organizations at the University of Minnesota Law School); and 2) Getting cheese clogged in your aorta. So, I don't go to that many (pretty much just the Student IP group... and that is as much because I'm an officer).

But, on Wednesday there were actually two meetings I wanted to go to... at the same time!
1) The Future of Blogging (or something like that) - Understandably, I had an interest in this topic
2) The Crackpot Economist Arguing that Intellectual Property Should Be Abolished (This was the official title... er, it should have been) - Again, understandably I had some interest in this as well

I decided that the IP talk probably made more sense as it dealt with my future career, not my current hobby. So I got to hear some crack pot - who clearly knew very little about how patents work, and next to nothing about patent law - tell me why, according to "Economics" that we shouldn't have patents. For the most part, he just tried to show why some of the current justifications for IP proctection are not right. He didn't really do very well (in my completely biased opinion), and moreover, he didn't really even try to argue why "abolishing" intellectual property was a good idea (except for "social efficiency"). My honest guess is he got a grant and has been milking it with this BS for several years.

Anyway, long boring story later, my question is, did anyone else at Minnesota go to the Blogging presentation? Especially Bitter Stephanie, Nate (Certain Point of View), Shaheen (Fade to Black), Nick (Generic Heretic), Ivan at Joint Strike Weasel, or the guys at Done as a Society or anyone else at the U who went. How was it? What was the talk about? Anything interesting at all? How was the pizza?

Bad Blogger!

2006-02-15T11:32:00.000-06:00

I got yelled at by the head choreographer¹ of the Musical on Monday night for not posting for almost a week (and now it has been a week) because she didn't have enough to do in class (or something along those lines). Being sufficiently chastised, I promised to post soon. Oops! Still haven't posted for two days. Sorry DQ! And then, today Next-Door Jen² told me she needed more to read at work, and that I needed to post more.³

The biggest reason I haven't been posting is because I just haven't really experienced anything that has inspired me to blog about (and that includes Veep shooting a 78-year-old "friend" in the face, as hilarious as it is). I'm too busy because this is my busiest semester ever⁴ and I've been stressed out.

But, in an effort to satisfy DQ, Jen, and my legions of other ~~fans~~ fan, I will post about one thing that struck me as funny. Yesterday, being Valentine's Day, is apparently a big holiday for the Law Students for Choice⁵ so they handed out candy, condoms, and a list of "interesting" facts that are in no way related to Valentine's Day, and certainly not to romance. Here are some of the facts, followed by my immediate reactions to each:
- A Texas Law makes it illegal for woman to own more than six sex toys - [UM Thoughts: Why in the world do you need six sex toys all at the same time? Are they enforcing this law? What about men? Can we have 23 dildos, four butt plugs, three cock rings, two french ticklers, and a partridge in a pear tree, but women have to limit their inventory to only two vibrators, two dildos, and two miscellaneous? How does that square with the Equal Protection Clause? Why do I think about this kind of thing?]
- One in Nine people has an STD - [UM Thoughts: You have a better than 10% chance that your partner has chlamydia or some other genital shrivling disease. Happy Valentine's Day Everybody!]
- It's much easier for women to catch STDs as it is for men - [UM Thoughts: "Honey, I know I just said that there's a 10% chance that I have an STD... but that's balanced by the fact that you are much more likely to catch syphilis from me that I am to catch the clap from you. So do you wanna?"]
- Condoms are the only contraception that help protect against sexually transmitted diseases - [UM Thoughts: Sure, but they can't stop crabs. Hmm. This post seems to have deteriorated into a VD-fest. I can't wait to see what Google searches will find this post. "Unreasonable Man has the clap" or "you'll get crabs at the University of Minnesota Law School." Awesome]

¹ Who shall hereinafter be known as "the Dancing Queen" or simply DQ, not to be confused with Dairy Queen and their yummy ice-cream treats.... Mmmmm Blizzard.
² So named because she was in my section last year, and her last name is close, alphabetically, to mine, so we sat next to each other in approximately 6,000 classes last year, and she is now my Next Door Neighbor in Corporations.
³ If I were a more responsible person, my advice to Jen would be to focus her attention at work at... oh, I don't know... work. However, I can't say that I've never been known to have a wondering mind at work, so I won't.
⁴ At least it *feels* like my busiest semester ever. But, that could just be because it is my *current* semester... so far, every semester has felt like my busiest (except for last Spring, which didn't seem that busy, for some reason). However, this one really, *really* is my busiest semester.
⁵ The connection apparently being that V Day is romantic, romance leads to sex, sex leads to pregnancy, pregancy leads to abortion, and they want to keep abortions legal... makes sense to me, NOT!

"I Firmly Oppose Dropping Anvils On People"

2006-02-08T10:58:00.000-06:00

The lead headline on CNN.com this morning is "Bush Urges End to Cartoon Violence" referring to Bush calling on world governments to put an end to the Muslim violence associated with the Danish Mohammed cartoons. However, this makes it sound like the President has gone a little crazy, and is waging a war on Bugs Bunny and Wile E. Coyote.

"We gotta stop that little bunny from tying the barrels of a shotgun together so that it blows up in Elmer Fudd's face. That's not right. I also oppose the use of rocket skates to catch birds which are fleet of foot.

If we don't stop that kind of violence, the terrorists win."

It reminds me of an article in The Onion last week: TV Blamed For Rise In Formulaic ViolenceWhich included things such as:

Police nationwide are reporting increases in bullet wounds to the shoulder area that have little effect on the victim's ability to use the affected arm, and a rising number of vulnerable blond women being rescued just in the nick of time by a man wielding a two-by-four who was previously thought to be knocked unconscious.

Perhaps CNN should think a little more before writing such a ridiculous headline instead of just throwing it on after the article is written.

Theatre of the (Relatively) Talentless

2006-02-07T10:28:00.000-06:00

As I've mentioned, our law school puts on a musical every year.¹ Last year, the show was Wally Wonka and the Lawyer Factor, a spoof on... anyone?, anyone? That's right, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the creepy Gene Wilder version, not the creepy Johnny Depp version). The year before that was Law Wars, which I believe was based on Gandhi, and the year before that was The Wizard of Fritz, based on some movie made by Liza Minelli's mom.

This year, we're doing a West Side Story show... and rehearsal has been going OK, but I don't know how we are going to get the entire show down in a form that is entertaining. Granted, we call ourselves the Theater of the Relatively Talentless (aka T.O.R.T., aren't we clever?), so the expectations shouldn't be too high, but right now I can't even sing through the songs without the sheet music (and I'm just a chorus member with like, three lines), let alone sing and dance without looking like a complete jackass.

I guess what I'm really saying is if you're here in Minnesota, try to make it over to the show on March 2-4, because either we'll pull it off, and the show will be awesome... or we'll fall on our face, and that will be funny too.

¹ As a complete aside, as I was writing this post, a professor was describing what a blog is to get us to read the Enron Trial Blog for my Corporations class. It was spooky... being told about blogs for class while I was blogging during class.

Resolutions Revisted

2006-02-03T17:09:00.000-06:00

It's now February, so this crazy year that is '06 is already 1/12th of the way done, and I want to keep this blog updated on the progress/status of my New Year's Resolutions. So here's how things stand as of today:

1. Get in Shape - I'm actually doing really good on this one. I still go to the gym at least 4 days a week, and usually 5, where I lift a little weight¹ and then kill myself on a ~~torture~~ cardio machine for 45 minutes. Because of this I am noticeably thinner (at least when my shirt's off), and have lost about 10 to 12 pounds.² I'm going to have to revise my weight goals however. I'm still hoping to cut out as much as 40 pounds by summer, but my new goal for March is slightly more realistic... 20 pounds lost instead of 30. That should be doable without having to go on the tapeworm diet.

2. Grades As I mentioned this morning, last semester kicked ass... so I'm hoping to use that momentum and keep 'em up this semester. Except for BA/Corps, the most painful class ever, but I definitely have the potential of doing well in my other classes (I'm hoping Advanced Patents and Statistics for Lawyers will be good grades that won't take too much effort, then I can focus the rest of my study time on Admin. Law and Trademarks, and maybe slide through BA Corps with something decent). Let's hope so.

3. Don't Stress This one I'm not doing so well at. I'm still not in the groove regarding a good reading schedule so I always feel behind. That, and T.O.R.T. seems to swallow up more time than the 3 hours of rehearsal per week that it actually takes. Maybe things will be better in March when the Musical's done.

4. Work-Life Balance Too early to tell on this one. Because I'm stressed out from school, I'm not as nice of a person as I should be in normal life. Hopefully that will be a little better now that my Law Review Note is done, and even better than that after the musical is through.

For this year, 1 and 2 are still the most important. If I can get those done, hopefully the others will fall in line.

¹ Very little weight... but even wusses gotta start somewhere.
²Since mid-December... not since the beginning of the year... but mid-December is when I started actually exercising.

Best. Semester. Ever.

2006-02-03T07:03:00.000-06:00

I finally got my last grade,¹ and this was undoubtedly my best semester of law school. I got a job, I got to do not one, not two, but three citechecks for Law Review, and I got really good grades.² If I can keep this up, I may graduate Magna Cum Laude and possibly even Order of the Coif.³ Fingers Crossed.

¹ How it takes almost two months to grade a Scantron... I don't know, but whatever.
² I am being sarcastic about one of the three things I listed. Can you guess which one?
³ Not Summa Cum Laude though... you have to have a 4.0 or above for that, which means I'd pretty much have to get a ton of A+'s and the rest A's. Yeah, that won't happen.

Everyone Has (Study) Aids

2006-01-30T14:48:00.000-06:00

I need help! I am absolutely confused when it comes to Corporations, and will probably be in desperate need of a good study aid.¹ A friend has agreed to let me have her old Emanuel's Outline,² but I'm wondering if anyone else out there has a recommendation for a particularly helpful Corporations study aid? Is the E&E for Corps. any good? Is Gilbert's better? Please let me know. I beg you!

While you're at it... what about for Administrative Law. Anybody have any good suggestions? So far, Admin. Law hasn't been nearly as confusing as BA Corps, but that could change. Oh hell, let's through in Trademarks too. Whadya got? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

¹Other than the outline I got off the Law Review school drive... especially since the Law Review outline is for another professor.
²M&M Mini, consider this a request for you to bring said outline to school as soon as possible.

These Casebooks Are Making Me Thirsty

2006-01-27T17:23:00.000-06:00

I've finished my first full week of this semester (last week was only a partial week because we didn't have class on MLK Jr. Day), and here are my observations of this semester so far:
- My Tuesdays suck! - I have four classes essentially back to back to back to back¹, three of the classes being an hour and a half long instead of just an hour.
- I'm in this year's T.O.R.T. musical (see my short recap of last year's musical to get an idea of what this entails), but I'm starting to regret it. Not because it won't be fun (because it will), but because it will take up one-and-half assloads of time from my already loaded schedule. We have three hours of rehearsal a week (6 if you are a "lead," which I am not) for now, and then for the two weeks before the show I think we have 354 hours of rehearsal. Oh well, the show is funny, but will it still be funny after I've seen it roughly 45 times.
- Business Associations/Corporations is (and I don't want to overstate) the MOST BORING CLASS ever! It makes Civ. Pro. look like a Torts class where the professor hires The Second City to perform the actual Torts. Corporate governance, rivoting.
- Admin. law isn't much better. So far I've already ready most of the cases we have discussed, back in Con Law when we talked about the nondelegation "doctrine." Worst of all, this is my latest class of the day (my fourth class on Tuesday, my third on Wednesday), and by the end, I really couldn't give a good god damn about whether Congress has properly delegated authority to on of the kagillion alphabet soup agencies in the Federal government.
- "Advanced Patents" is not advanced. It is merely more of the same from "Patents" last semester. Call it "Patents II" and be happy with that.
- Trademarks is pretty cool. I have it with Professor Contracts, and despite the fact that she still can't tell people to stop asking ridiculous questions. But, at least I like the subject in Trademarks. And, as far as I know, there is no "Mail Box Rule" or "Battle of the Forms" in Trademarks.
- So far, Statistics for Lawyers is really just Statistics. I'm hoping that at some point we are going to actually apply these statistical methods to some kind of lawyerly-like situation, because I could have just looked back at my Stats notes from College if I wanted to remember how to calculate the standard deviation of a data set.

I'm also behind on my reading in two of my classes, so Friday night will be spent catching up and editing my law review note for the final submission. On the plus side, in just 3 1/2 months, I will be a Law School Senior and will be working for an obscene amount of money this summer. Let's hope I make it.

¹I have one 30 minute "break," but after almost 4 straight hours of class

You Think That We Connect, That The Chemistry's Correct*1

2006-01-27T10:03:00.000-06:00

In Honor of President Bush stating that he has "NO DOUBT" that the wiretapping program is legal, I offer you an applicable song lyric²:

This shit is bananas
B A N A N A S!
Yeah, this shit is bananas
B A N A N A S!

Now, I don't know enough about the wiretapping facts to decide whether Bush's wiretapping is legal or illegal (by which I mean constitutional or impermissible under the Constitution), but I find it hard to swallow that President Bush, eminent legal scholar that he is, can have "no doubt," when some brilliant legal minds "haven't the foggiest whether its legal" (as another blogger reported his Stanford Law Prof. to have uttered).

If there has one thing I've learned during my fledgling legal education, it's that there is almost nothing in which you can have "no doubt," especially when it comes to the Constitution.³ I also don't know too much about politics, but it seems to me that if he was so doubt free, he wouldn't keep sending out Attorney General Gonzales and Karl Rove to keep arguing that its legal.... Hmmm.

* Or, "Sorry I'm Not Home Right Now, I'm Walking In The Spiderwebs"
¹Or, "It's All His Fault, He Screens Our Phone Calls"
²I know this is from a Gwen Stefani song, and not from No Doubt... but honestly, Gwen IS "No Doubt"
³ Except for how old you have to be to be President, a Senator, or a Representative, and what is the meaning of "twenty dollars" in the Seventh Amendment, although my Con Law professor even liked to argue about these. He was weird.

Nice Guys Finish as EIC

2006-01-24T10:28:00.000-06:00

I found out this weekend that my Note for Law Review was not selected for publication in Issue 5 of this year's Minn. L. Rev. That's cool, I didn't expect it to be published, since they were only going to publish nine Notes out of a group of 38 staff members.

Anyway, yesterday I was in the Law Review office finishing up some details of our most recent cite checking assingment when a classmate asked me about the BlackBerry case. While I was talking about it, the Law Review Editor-in-Chief was using the microwave to prepare his lunch and heard me talking about the case and told me that it sounded interesting and, jokingly, that "You should write a note about that."

I responded, also jokingly "Yeah, it would have been better than the Note I did write." Referring to my recent rejection. He chuckled the way people do when you both know you are making a joke that isn't funny, but still feel the need to be polite, and then walked back to his office.

Then, after about a minute, he came back out and said to me "You know, I actually thought your Note was really good, and that it was really close to being published. I wanted to really encourage you to 'fix it up' and resubmit it for publication in Issue 6."

I just thought this was a really nice thing to do. Yes, I didn't expect to be published. Yes, he was probably just blowing smoke. But the thing is, he went out of his way and came back to blow the smoke.

It was a nice little pick-me-up before I had to get back to my already building mountain of reading backlogged.

You Aren't Cool Unless Your Patent Shuts Down BlackBerry

2006-01-23T16:28:00.000-06:00

Wow, at least for today, patent law is cool. As you may have heard, the Supreme Court has declined to review the Federal Circuit's decision in Research-In-Motion v. NTP (aka the BlackBerry case) which held that Research-In-Motion, maker of the wildly ~~constricting~~ popular ~~leash~~ device known as the BlackBerry infringed NTP's patents. Now the business world is in an uproar because this little company can literally shut down BlackBerry if a district court grants its injunction motion. It's also leading to at least one business ~~"journalist"~~ journalist to spout off like he knows everything about patent policy, when he clearly couldn't find the IP Clause of the Constitution with a map and a flashlight.¹

I will continue to bask in the glory of the ~~fees the attorneys are collecting~~ high water mark of patent attorney-dom. Damn, it feels good to be a gansta.

I'll help him out, in full BlueBook format. U.S. CONST. art. I, § 8, cl. 8 (granting Congress the power to "promote the Progress of Science and the useful Arts . . . by securing for limited Times to . . . Inventors the exclusive Right to their . . . Discoveries").

Fiscal Responsibility

2006-01-16T13:07:00.000-06:00

I received an e-mail today letting me know that my financial aid for this semester will be deposited into my bank account within the next few days. Now, the question is, do I buy a new iPod now, or wait until the funds have been distributed?

Let's see... later = No iPod :(

Now =

Hmmm.

Brokeback Boredom

2006-01-15T12:51:00.000-06:00

I saw Brokeback Mountain last night. I don't really understand why this is considered a favorite to win the Oscar.

To me, it was just long and boring. I guess the acting was good... in that they come across as very boring, which is very realistic, as most of us come across as very boring as well.

The story dragged like your dog's ass across the carpet. As Nate pointed out, we never really learn why these cowboys fell in love (if they were in love, instead of just lust). Other than the fact that they were alone on a mountain together, I can't figure that out.¹

One of the reasons I didn't like it is because the movie had an opportunity to try and show us how difficult it would have been for two homosexuals to deal with what the rest of the community would violently shun. But, instead it was just a story about two gay cowboys for whom it was hard to feel any sympathy.

But, the biggest reason I didn't like the movie is that I really think the only reason this movie was made was because it was about gay cowboys. The plot² didn't do anything... there was no story. If the two main characters had been a man and a woman who were cheating on their spouses with each other, this movie would have never been made. And, if it had, it would deserve the 2,347 thumbs down that it would have received. Oh well.

Maybe the short story this is based from is good. But, the movie was overrated. It reminded me of The English Patient, another boring movie that received way too much hype.

¹Plus, if it was just lust... this is a totally unrealistic portrayal of cowboy love. There were thousands of sheep on that mountain, and these guys choose to bang each other? Come on.
²Ha! What plot?

The Saga Continues

2006-01-13T16:20:00.000-06:00

My "Official"/Unofficial Year-End Review for work¹ was today.² Once again, my boss is completely confusing me about my upcoming job at The Firm this summer. You will recall that last time she talked to me, I was chastised about next summer's gig... but the time before that, she was really nice. Well, she was really nice again this time. She kept talking about how she thought I was doing good work, and how it was a good idea for me to be trying out a firm for the summer, and that if I wanted to consider coming back to Big Corporation after next summer then I should let her know. Really weird.

Our company recently won a fairly big litigation against a competitor so we are still giddy about the victory, so they had a little celebration lunch to talk about the highlights of the case. We had a really good lunch (roast turkey and roast beef with yummy potatos, plus a delicious cheesecake for dessert) and a PowerPoint presentation. The coolest part (for me) was the corporate attorney's talking about how great their trial counsel was, because the trial counsel was from The Firm. It's nice to know I'm going to work with good lawyers.

¹"Official" because I had to fill out the Official Evaluation Form and have a review meeting with my supervisor, but Unofficial because it doesn't actually get entered into the system and I don't get "graded" on my performance since I am just a part-time clerk.
²You haven't lived until you've had a Work Evaluation on Friday the 13th. Just to put us in the mood, I decided to wear an old-fashioned hockey mask to my review meeting and I made my boss call me Mr. Vorhees.

I Will Be Resolute

2006-01-12T11:10:00.000-06:00

I have no idea what my New Year's Resolutions were last year, so I have no idea how I did in following them. To avoid this problem next year, I am going to blog about this year's resolutions. Plus, y'all can laugh at how generic they are.

1. Get In Shape (The Ol' Standby) - I actually started law school by losing weight over the first few months... but since then, I have grown (literally) more and more overweight. Thankfully, I'm still not morbidly obese or anything, but at one point I was at least 40 pounds over my ideal weight. The final straw was when I went to my cousin's wedding this summer, and the first words out of my grandpa's mouth were "You're getting heavy!" Now, I want to lose 30 pounds by March 1, and another 10 by the end of school in May.

2. Continue to Get Good Grades - I am very happy with my grades for this last semester (at least with the 2 that I have received so far), and I want to keep up the momentum. I hope to acheive this by being more organized with how I do my schoolwork, outlining earlier, and being more efficient while I'm at school (where I do most of my studying).

3. Don't Stress About School - Even though I want to get better grades, I want to be sure that I avoid stressing about school too much. I think that I was much better about my school stress last semester, and I want to keep that up.

4. Have A Good School-Work-Life Balance - School isn't everything. I know that now (during break). I want to remember it in the middle of the semester.

That's about it. 2005 was a pretty damn good year for me. I'm hoping 2006 can exceed the hype.

Well Look At That... Grades

2006-01-11T16:14:00.000-06:00

It turns out my rant of a few weeks ago was unwarrented. Shortly after said rant, I received one of my grades, and I got the another about a week later. I am very happy with both grades.

I only have one grade that is outstanding, and since the professor for that class literally left the country beforen we even took the final, I didn't expect that final any time soon.¹ Plus, I think I did well on that final as well, so my GPA should be getting a little boost this semester.

¹What with the law school having to ship our exams to her in South Africa before she can even start to grade them. Of course, that still doesn't stop me from checking my grades online several times a day.

Vacay. Check. Tan. Semi-Check

2006-01-11T09:29:00.000-06:00

We're back from our vacation to The Bahamas. Four days of relaxation in 70-plus degree, sunny weather. It was nice. Now I'm back at work for the remainder of this week. School starts back up next Tuesday. *Suck!*

Oh yeah, and I finished and submitted my Law Review Note for publication in Issue 5. It will get rejected, and then I have to decide if I want to try and fix it and resubmit for Issue 6.

I still don't know when I'm going to get my books. Maybe Tuesday.

First Year Flashback

2006-01-05T11:00:00.000-06:00

I must have the law school form of PTSD,¹ because my Fact or Fiction from Lexis started out thusly:

In Palsgraf v Long Island Railroad Company, 248 NY 339...

But, I didn't get any farther before I had a vivid waking dream of a man running with fireworks to catch a train, the fireworks falling under the train, and a lady being crushed by a falling scale, all while Prof. Feld stood on the train platform lexuring us on Proximate Causation

Prof. Feld (Dreamlike): Of course the railroad could not have foreseen that someone would be carrying fireworks onto its train and then would drop them under the train. Which is... to say [complete with his little snake-head hand motion] the railroad's negligence did not proximately cause the lady's injuries.
Unreasonable Man (at work): *shudder* [U.M. curls up under his desk and begins to suck his thumb... hoping the flahsback will all be over soon]
U.M.'s Coworker: Dude,² what're you doin'?

I guess no matter how hard you try to forget, the past can be so horrofic when you're out in The Shit, that you just can't get rid of it.

*SHIVER*

¹Post Torts Stress Disorder
² Because all in-house corporate lawyers call each other Dude. That, or his (or her) dudeness, or duder, or el duderino, if you're not into the whole brevity thing.